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Clergy Jokes

  • Blessed Again

    casseroleA young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty new bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers.

    "I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."

  • Forgive Your Enemies

    preacherThe preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.

    After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

  • Golf Comeback

    golf bagA fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.  The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

    Both are even after the first couple of holes.  The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

    The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms just to be friendly.  Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole (and he is counting his $80) he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

    The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

    The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

    The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

  • Hat Blessing

    A joke about a Rabbi, a hat, and horse racingA Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a Gentile sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and then returns it to the Rabbi.

    "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the rabbi.  "Thank you very much."

    The rabbi then places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."

    The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1.  He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.

  • Johnny and Remembrance

    A boy's perspectiveOne Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

    "Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque.

    "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

  • Rabbi Retirement

    pigAn elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the congregation, finally decided to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to taste pork. 

    He went to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season, entered the empty dining hall and sat down at a table in the far corner.  The waiter arrived, and the rabbi ordered roast suckling pig.

  • Signs Your Church has Sold Out to Corporate Sponsors

    church people- Taco Bell's talking dog now reading announcements.

    - In Christmas play, Joseph seen drinking can of Coke.

    - Greeters all dressed like Mr. Goodwrench.

    - Personal pew licenses now sold.

    - Baptismals include dolphin show from Sea World.

    - Statue of Moses seen holding keys to a Jeep.

    - The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters.

    - Scripture verses brought to you by Microsoft Office.