logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

Employment Jokes

  • AMAP

    money stackThe interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee.

    "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"

    The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

  • Circus Try Out

    circusA man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to Morris, the circus impresario.

    "I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

    He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground landing softly on the toe of one foot.

    Morris stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

  • Corporate Listening

    office manThe company I worked for had an employee suggestion competition, the entire staff was asked to submit entries that would save money for the firm.

    The winner was a man who suggested the company save paper by posting corporate memos on bulletin boards, instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution.

    He won a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock.

    A memo announcing the winner went out to 200 people.

  • Divider Return

    shopping3I was checking out at the local Albertsons with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

    I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

    After the check-out kid had scanned all of my items, he picked up the "Divider" looked it all over for the bar code so he could scan it. Not finding the bar code, he said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

    A little astounded, I said to him, "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today."

    He said "OK," then I paid him for my things and left.

    He had no clue what had just happened.

  • Eclipse Memos

    pictures of solar eclipseMemo from Director General to Manager:

    Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

    Memo from Manager to Department Head:

    Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

  • Eternity

    paper penI spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees.

    After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.

    "Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect the money?"

  • Extra Fudge

    ice cream3I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge.

    The girl replied, "The hot fudge only comes in one temperature, ma'am."

  • Helicopter Debate

    radio handMy cousin worked on the Alaska pipeline as a welder. He said helicopters were a big help in covering the rugged ground.

    I've never forgotten a story he told about being in the communications room of one of the base camps when a call came in. A panicked voice called to request another helicopter be sent up to the forward work camp.

  • I.T. Department Computer Problem Self-Report Form

    *I.T. Department Computer Problem Self-Report Form*

    computer keyboard1. Describe your problem: ______________________________

    2. Now, describe your problem accurately: _________________

    3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________

    4. Problem Severity:
    A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__

    5. Nature of the problem:
    A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__

    6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

    7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

    8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

    9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

    10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

    11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

    12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

    13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

    14. If `Yes,' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?____________

    15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? ___________________

    16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
    ________________________________

    17. If 'nothing,' explain why you were logged in: ___________________

    18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

    19. How does this problem make you feel? _______________________

    20. Tell me about your childhood: _______________________________

    21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

    22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

  • Lumberjack

    logsA man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

    The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

    The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

    The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

    The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"

    "Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."

  • Oneliner #1142

    board roomMy boss said, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have;"

    now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

  • Police Dog Freeze

    police dogA friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit.

    One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.

    Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further.

    Then he noticed the sign on the building:

    "Veterinarian's Office."

  • Vacation Time

    formJill had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

    "Pretty good I think," replied Jill. "But if I go to work there, I won't get a vacation unless I'm married."

    Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked, "Is that what they told you?"

    "No," replied Jill, "they didn't tell me that, but on the application it said,

    'Vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"