New Diet: Yeah I still eat ribs... sparingly.

Been on a diet for two weeks and all I lost is 14 days.

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn't cheating on my diet; maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

I just wanna have abs…olutely all the pasta and breadsticks.

How many boxes of these thin mints do I need to eat before I see results?

I'm allergic to food – I break out in fat.

Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthy; You’re welcome.

I am going to be healthy if it kills me.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

"As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists."

- Joan Gussow

Told the doctor I thought I had athlete's foot; he looked at me and said, "I don't think you have athlete's anything."

I need to get in shape; if I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

You can't make everyone happy; you are not pizza.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4!

My kids can't find their shoes when they need them, yet they can find that tiny bit of onion in their dinner.

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year: only 15 to go.

I am really bad at measuring pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti, come on over!

They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry; it's been several days now... what should I do?

I don't mean to brag, but... I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...

Saw some goober at the gym put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.

With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down;' with a banana, however, it is quite the opposite: yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'

- Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about pop; I guess you could say I'm a Fizzisist.

I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday; usually either Nestle or Captain.