Diet One-liners

  • ribsNew Diet: Yeah I still eat ribs... sparingly.

  • woman large2Been on a diet for two weeks and all I lost is 14 days.

  • exercise copyI just wanna have abs…olutely all the pasta and breadsticks.

  • girl guide thin mints cookiesHow many boxes of these thin mints do I need to eat before I see results?

  • weight scale 2I'm allergic to food – I break out in fat.

  • cupcakes copyOnce you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthy; You’re welcome.

  • I am going to be healthy if it kills me.vegetables

  • bread butterThe hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.

  • motorcycleI drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

  • butter"As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists."

    - Joan Gussow

  • man largeTold the doctor I thought I had athlete's foot; he looked at me and said, "I don't think you have athlete's anything."

  • man large1I need to get in shape; if I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.

  • bread butterThe hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

  • pizzaYou can't make everyone happy; you are not pizza.

  • shoppingAccidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4!

  • mealMy kids can't find their shoes when they need them, yet they can find that tiny bit of onion in their dinner.

  • man largeMy goal was to lose 10 pounds this year: only 15 to go.

  • spaghettiI am really bad at measuring pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti, come on over!

  • fridge emptyThey say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry; it's been several days now... what should I do?

  • man large2I don't mean to brag, but... I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

  • shoppingI used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...

  • A one liner about exercising and treadmillsSaw some goober at the gym put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.

  • Mitch Hedberg onelinerWith a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down;' with a banana, however, it is quite the opposite: yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'

    - Mitch Hedberg

  • popI know a lot about pop; I guess you could say I'm a Fizzisist.

  • stomachI got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday; usually either Nestle or Captain.