Somebody has to change out that light bulb at the top of those tall TV towers!

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "Three companies are after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee.

"I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"

The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

A chap who frequently left the office to play golf instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.

After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information.

The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.

"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "is he twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles?"

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance . . . .

she leaned over and pushed me.

One of my jobs at a bank is to answer the phones and put callers through to the right person.

When a customer called one day asking to speak with a bank representative, I said, "Of course, Sir. What is it about exactly?"

Dryly, he replied, "It's about money."

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier.

"Listen", the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner.

"I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.

When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished!"

The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said.

A young man is an avid listener to the city's police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time.

One morning while making his bed, he heard the dispatcher say,

"Car 34, there is a five-foot boa constrictor in someone's front yard. The resident wants a police officer to come and remove it."

There was a long pause, then some static.

Slowly, a voice said, "We can't get the car started."

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

When my children received the video of Cinderella as a summer gift, they watched it almost nonstop for three days. Since it was warm outside, we kept the windows open.

Our neighbors were having their roof reshingled by three burly men. As I went out to get the mail one afternoon, I heard a roofer singing, "...put it together and what do you get?"

"From the other side of the house came a chorus of two more husky voices: "Bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi, bobbidi boo!"

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to Morris, the circus impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground landing softly on the toe of one foot.

Morris stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

The company I worked for had an employee suggestion competition, the entire staff was asked to submit entries that would save money for the firm.

The winner was a man who suggested the company save paper by posting corporate memos on bulletin boards, instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution.

He won a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock.

A memo announcing the winner went out to 200 people.

The newspaper editor was instructing the cub reporter in important details of his calling.

"Never state as a fact anything you are not absolutely sure about," said the editor.

"To avoid putting the paper in the position of stating something which it may not be able to prove, you should always use the words 'alleged,' 'claimed,' 'reputed,' 'rumored,' and so on, unless you know positively that everything is true as stated.

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches.  At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience.

Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles. 

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Tina's first day at the office was exhausting.

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.

All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"

"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.

"But where are the glaciers?" The lady asked.

"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."

My cousin worked on the Alaska pipeline as a welder. He said helicopters were a big help in covering the rugged ground.

I've never forgotten a story he told about being in the communications room of one of the base camps when a call came in. A panicked voice called to request another helicopter be sent up to the forward work camp.

A man who worked the help desk for a large company received a call one day from a co-worker who called him because she couldn't figure out why her computer wouldn't come on.

So he asked her, "Did you plug it in?"

"Yes."

He then asked her, "Did you turn in on?"

She said, "Yes. What do you think I am? Some kind of goober?"

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo.

This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high.
Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!!"

The real truth behind the saying.

*I.T. Department Computer Problem Self-Report Form*

1. Describe your problem: ______________________________

2. Now, describe your problem accurately: _________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes,' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?____________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? ___________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
________________________________

17. If 'nothing,' explain why you were logged in: ___________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? _______________________

20. Tell me about your childhood: _______________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

Phrases for you to use in a job interview - or to interpret when interviewing!

Phrase: I'm extremely adept at all manners of office organization.
Meaning: I've used Microsoft Office.

Phrase: I'm honest, hard-working and dependable.
Meaning: I pilfer office supplies.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

On one occasion William Howard Taft, in his work as an attorney, took a train to Somerville, about 40 miles north of his home in Cincinnati.

At the end of the day he knew that the policy of the railway was not to stop for just one passenger to board. He therefore sent this telegram: "Stop at Somerville for a large party."

As the train came to a halt, Taft began to board the train, and conductor asked, "Where's the large party?"

Taft, with all of his 335 pounds replied, "I'm the large party."

When Peters learned that he was being fired after a career of incompetence he went to see the head of human resources. 

"Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter the next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. 

It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"

"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."

These notes left for milkmen came from the UK, so you'll notice a slight, endearing British ambiance to them.

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."

"Cancel one pint after the day after today."

"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"

"Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a new style...

If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident...

If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture...

If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation...

If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law...

* A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
My desk is my work station...

* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what genius came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

* Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.
I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.

These new rules of the office will be effective immediately.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Preparing for the most important presentation of his life, a sales rep went to a psychiatrist. "I'll implant a hypnotic suggestion in your mind," said the shrink. "Just say 'one-two-three,' and you'll give the presentation of your life. However, do not say 'one-two-three-four,' because it will cause you to freeze up and make a fool of yourself."

The sales rep was ecstatic. He tried it at home and gave a fabulous presentation. He tried it at work, and got a standing ovation. Then came the big day. Everything was set up in the boardroom and the CEO signaled him to start.  The sales rep whispered under his breath, "One-two-three."

Then the CEO asked, "What did you say 'one-two-three' for?"

When you interview for a position as a ninja, don't show up: you'll be a shoe-in for the job.

I was in a bathroom and I saw a sign that said employees must wash hands, but after I waited for what must've been 10 minutes no one came to wash my hands so I did it myself.

Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.

Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

Caller: I'd like the RSPCA, please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.

Caller: The water board, please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit.

One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.

Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further.

Then he noticed the sign on the building:

"Veterinarian's Office."

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

An effusive client brought a litter of puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. She loved them so much, she couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"

The student replied. "BIG ones."

An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.

"What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country.

The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop."

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.

"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"

"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"

A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. 

Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. 

Inside, a message read:

"You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.

Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..."

"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

Jill had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

"Pretty good I think," replied Jill. "But if I go to work there, I won't get a vacation unless I'm married."

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked, "Is that what they told you?"

"No," replied Jill, "they didn't tell me that, but on the application it said,

'Vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"

I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whether you think the glass is half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard.

Optimist:
The glass is half full.

Pessimist:
The glass is half empty.

Apple Computer:
You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.