After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.

"Well," he said, "its three weeks long."

"What else," I asked.

"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said.

"The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

"And the third week?" I asked.

"The third week, the fools jump."

On a business trip, my father approached a security checkpoint at the airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard, in full uniform, was in line in front of him.

As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal detector. So, as he did so, he handed his M-16 rifle to security personnel along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight.

Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through. Further inspection revealed a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets.

"Sorry, Sir, but this item is prohibited," security said to the soldier.

Then, taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.

The army kept advancing till its route was blocked by a dead hippopotamus lying across the road.

"Carry on," commanded the general.

And he was right.

- Cynthia MacGregor

When my best friend James came home on his first Army leave, my little brother asked him what he did in the service.

"I do calisthenics, shoot guns and follow orders," James replied.

Walking in town that day, James and I ran into a buddy who also asked him what he did in the Army. James gave the same reply:

"I do calisthenics, shoot guns and follow orders."

A while later, we met a former classmate, an attractive woman, and she asked the same question. This time, James said,

"I'm studying communications, learning foreign languages and traveling around the world."

Admiral McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrived at the military camp and was greeted by Marshall. They both walked around the place, and McKenzie asked, "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained they're the bravest men all over the country."

"Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall called private Cooper and said, "Private Cooper!  I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!"

As private Cooper ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said, "You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

While my son was on board the Navy carrier USS GEORGE WASHINGTON, the air wing was busy with training missions.

After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing,

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are hunting submawenes."

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. 

"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington, DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home," he said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."

The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe, shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

Jeremy grew up, joined the army
and served in a tank division.

A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died."

The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you."

The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passed away.

The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, take one step forward if you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"

The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or retreat?"

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"

The computer instantly replies, "Yes, SIR!"

My youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic training and was on leave prior to his first tour in Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot, and my other brother is my crew chief. Since we were headed to the air base where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we offered to take him.

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area.

A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months.

One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was trailing a frazzled mother with two active children, and I watched as she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case.

"If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated:

"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.

First, the good. Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.' With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow.

The chief of staff of the Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in a recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general turns to his aide and says, "Sign him up -- all the paper work done, everything, do it today!" The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

It was decided at Microsoft, during a brilliant brainstorming session, that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.

At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target.

The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"

The student replied. "BIG ones."

One day a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle a rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his pants.

"You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge.

A second lieutenant who was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities."

The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..."

"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra - it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks,
Laocoon

TO: Trojan Army Listserv

RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.

"You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding."

"No, YOU don't understand," the officer replied. "You're in the Navy."

On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day, on just such a field, the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference:

• If you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
• If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours.
• If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
• If you are an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
• If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.
• If you are in the National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."

A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the day he was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married.

"It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day that a mother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and have them clipped in the evening."