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Newly-Wed Jokes

  • razorOne morning, while shaving, a fellow started cursing and swearing so loudly it attracted the attention of his wife, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. 

    "What's the matter?" she called out. 

    "My razor -- it won't cut!" he answered.

    "Don't be silly, dear!" she declared. "You mean to tell me your beard is tougher than linoleum?"

  • oven temperature guageIf you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
    http://www.cybersalt.org/pastor-tim-s-cleanlaugh-site/what-is-a-goober 

    Mr. & Mrs. Goober have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Goober comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night.

    Mrs. Goober, is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. The husband explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife.

    Since this is their first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

    Friday morning Mrs. Goober calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

  • mailboxWhen the man came home, his wife was crying.

    "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

    "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.

    "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you and marked private arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

    "And?"

    "At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

  • Picture of Newlyweds"Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?"

    "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"

  • wedding ringsA recently married man was walking with his father one day and said:

    "My new wife's cooking is so bad, we pray AFTER we eat!"

  • newlywedsA young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

    The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

    His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

    "Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

  • bride and groomI just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married.

    I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

  • rattlesnakeA young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

    "Wow!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"

    "Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler.

    "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"

    "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."

    "What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.

    "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."

  • marriagehandsA mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the day he was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married.

    "It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day that a mother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and have them clipped in the evening."