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Marriage Illustrations

  • Choosing a Husband

    wedding cakeA store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors, and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

    On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

  • Communication in Marriage

    restaurant mealMy husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"

    We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

  • Dull Razor

    razorOne morning, while shaving, a fellow started cursing and swearing so loudly it attracted the attention of his wife, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. 

    "What's the matter?" she called out. 

    "My razor -- it won't cut!" he answered.

    "Don't be silly, dear!" she declared. "You mean to tell me your beard is tougher than linoleum?"

  • Earthly Treasures

    clocks antiqueShowing his friend around his his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

    "The day before I die, I'm going to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."

    "But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."

    "Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

  • Freckles are Beautiful, Aging, True Beauty

    old ladyAn older woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

    "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a little girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.

  • Good Marriages

    couple old~~ A good marriage must be created. ~~

    In the art of marriage, the little things are big things....

    It's never being too old to hold hands.

    It's remembering to say "I love you" at least once each day.

    It's never going to sleep angry.

    It's having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.

    It is standing together, facing the world.

    It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.

    It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.

    It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.

    It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.

    It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.

    It is not only marrying the right partner, but also being the right partner.

  • It Was Lights out at the Old Parsonage

    coffee cupAs long as I can remember, and at my age that does not go back very far, I have always been an early riser. I do not like to stay in bed any longer than I have to. So much I want to do and so little time I need an early start every day.

    I have always used Benjamin Franklin’s motto for myself, “Early to bed and early to rise makes one healthy, wealthy and wise.” Unfortunately, my early to bed and early to rise maybe has made me healthy, but certainly not wealthy or wise.

    This past week an event happened that challenged my “early to rise” regimen.

    As usual, I rose early and headed for the kitchen for my cup of coffee. There is no way I can start a day without first indulging in my early morning cup of Joe. Nothing starts the day off better than a hot cup of coffee.

  • Knowing Your Spouse

    roadOne of the funniest memories I have of the trials and tribulations of making the journey from childhood to adulthood was our annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.

    Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail, "Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on." And almost every year we would turn around and go back. But as I recall, not once was it was ever plugged in. She often had the same fear that all our earthly possessions would disappear in a fire caused by her forgetfulness.

    When I was about 14 years old, we were headed out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and, sure enough, Mom gasped, "I just know I left the iron on."

    My father didn't say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.

  • Marriage, Compatability

    men talkingA fellow asked his friend why he never married.

    The friend replied, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman; I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

    "Oh, come on now," said the fellow. "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

  • Marriage, Engagement

    children2Little Billy took his girlfriend downtown to get married.

    The marriage license clerk smiled and explained that they were both much too young.

    Little Billy asked, "Could you give us a learners permit then?"

  • Modest Income

    Picture of Newlyweds"Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?"

    "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"

  • Plumb Historical

    history sign old roadI recently overheard a boss talking to one of his employees at a restaurant recently.

    "Was your wife mad when you got home so late last night?" the boss asked.

    "Yes, she was plumb historical," the employee replied.

    "Don't you mean hysterical?"

    "No, I mean historical. She brought up things that happened forty years ago."

  • Prayer, Spiritual Leadership

    rocking chairsThe wives of two Baptist pastors, had a friendship that was unending.

    Were sitting together as they worked - their husband's clothes they were mending.

    One said to the other, "My poor John is so discouraged with preaching.

    He's about ready to give it up - there are no souls that he's reaching."

    He said nothing is going right - no new faces does he ever see.

  • Quality of Life

    man restingMy wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

    She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!

  • Reconciliation, Divorce, Remarriage

    newspaper1After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

    Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."

  • Remarriage

    wedding jokesTwo women met for the first time since graduating from high school 40 years ago. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, "Did you manage to live a well planned life?"

    "Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

    Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

    "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

  • Shopping Vengence

    remote control wedding rings"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. 

    As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television in her purse.

    "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

    "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

  • Simple Prayer

    "Simple Prayer"

    pray boyMy son Gilbert was eight years old and had been in Cub Scouts only a short time.  During one of his meetings he was handed a sheet of paper, a block of wood and four tires and told to return home and give all to "dad".

    That was not an easy task for Gilbert to do.  Dad was not receptive to doing things with his son.  But Gilbert tried.  Dad read the paper and scoffed at the idea of making a pine wood derby car with his young, eager son.  The block of wood remained untouched as the weeks passed.

  • Some Things You Keep

    garbage cansSome things you keep. Like good teeth. Warm coats. Bald husbands & chubby wives. They're good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime that to throw them away would make the garbage man a thief. So you hang on to the older gifts, because something old is sometimes better than something new, and what you know is often better than a stranger.

    Here are my thoughts, they make me sound old, old and tame and dull at a time when everybody else is frisky and racy and flashing all that's new and improved in their lives. New spouses, new careers, new thighs, new lips. The world is dizzy with trade-ins. I could keep track, but I don't think I want to.

  • Sons-in-Law and Daughters-In-Law

    women2Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your daughter marry?"

    "Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlour regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night."

    "That's sounds lovely," said the woman. "What about your son?"

    "I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlour, and makes them eat take-out meals!"

  • Successful Marriage

    old coupleA couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

    When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replied, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

  • Telling the Truth

    back-packing womanAfter eight days of backpacking with my wife Linda, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

    "Terry," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"

    I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

  • Worst Memory

    wife's memory jokeTwo men were talking. The first says, "My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of."

    The second man replies, "Forgets everything, eh?"

    "Nope. She remembers everything."