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Weight Jokes

  • Chocolate Calories

    chocolate1A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

    Therefore...

    In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 135 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

    I owe my life to chocolate.

  • Diet Skipping

    calendarMr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

    "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

    When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

    "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

    Mr. Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

    "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

    Replied Mr. Lee, "No, from skipping."

  • How To Lie to a Bathroom Scale

    man large21. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.

    2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

    3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

  • Oneliner #0975

    weight scaleThe only way I'm going to drop ten pounds is if I go shopping in England.

  • Oneliner #1176

    scalesEleanor Roosevelt once said, "Do one thing every day that scares you;" and that's why I weigh myself in the mornings.

  • Oneliner #1187

    woman deskA recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

  • Suck It In

    weight scale 2I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

    Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon."

    "Sure it does," he said.

    "How else can I see the numbers?"

  • Unintended Pounds

    weight scale

    I didn't mean to gain weight; it happened by snaccident.

  • Wait Watching

    clothes pantsHaving lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.

    Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of capris.

    "Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."

    Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

  • Who's the Strongest

    weightsWalking into a bar one night, a man yelled out, "Who's the strongest in here?"

    A huge man stands up and thumps his own chest.  "I am the strongest!"

    "Great!" the first man said.   "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

  • You Know It's Time to Diet When

    You Know It's Time To Diet When . . .

    You are diagnosed with the flesh-eatingYou know it's time to diet when . . . virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

    Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

    You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

    You go to the zoo and the elephants throw peanuts to you.

    You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

    Your blood type is Ragu.

    You could sell shade.