1. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

2. Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

3. You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

4. 15-Minute Jiffy Lube lasts for only 3 days.

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier.

"Listen", the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner.

"I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small Yugo also drives up. The haughty businessman in the back of the limousine started bragging to the Yugo owner that his was the best car that money could buy.

"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with wifi embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."

At this point the Yugo owner interrupted.

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. 

She was stark naked! 

As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat,

"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You

Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

HANG UP AND DRIVE!

Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

If the car ad claims these items, it really means:

- rough condition = too bad to lie about

- parts car = beyond repair

- immaculate = recently washed

- engine quiet = if you use 90-weight oil

- needs minor overhaul = needs an engine

I was with a friend in a cafe' when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation.

"What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud.

"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me.

"Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'.

Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to the driveway and jostle his car."

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers.  But, imagine if they did . . .

HELPLINE: "General Motors Help line, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

HELPLINE: "General Motors Help line, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"

If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
https://www.cybersalt.org/pastor-tim-s-cleanlaugh-site/what-is-a-goober

A goober is speaking to her psychiatrist.

"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

"Don't you have a phone in your car?"

"That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

"Uh. How's that working?"

"Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

"And why do you think that is?"

"I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

When the car engine developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought special non-leaded or regular gas, but she couldn't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the roughness of the engine."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband probingly.

"It cost the same as always." said the wife.

"I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth."

A man driving his car down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle blocking the entire way. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a goober leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the goober.

Pulling ahead, the mans car was immediately swallowed by the puddle. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out and up to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the goober, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well, shoot!" he relied, scratching his head. "It only comes up chest-high on my ducks!"

(Wondering what a goober is?  Find out at www.cybersalt.org/policies/what-is-a-goober)

Many years ago before the days of cell phones and data, a friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left.

The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said, "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"

A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. When the salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer exclaimed, "This isn't the price I saw!"

The salesman went on to tell the farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what raised the price up.  The farmer needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"

A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.

A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.

The motorist thanked him profusely and said, "I don't know why you are in that place."

The patient said, "I'm in here for being crazy, not for being stupid."

Here's a holographic reminder of how not to use handicap parking spots.

David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.

After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.

And this one's even better because it locks..."

I'm ready to be a parent because I just told the oil change guy "no" 15 times in 30 seconds.

Honk if you love peace and quiet!

Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date. He'll be taking the car out soon to pick up the girl."

"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.

"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

It was John's turn to drive carpool into town on a day when a new member was traveling along for the first time. As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his new carpooling passenger.

John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! Ah, just as he suspected! He immediately slammed on the brakes, ordered the fellow out, and said, "Hand over the wallet!"

"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan.

His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist.

"What happened to my boat and trailer?"

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. 

He says he can stop any time.

Walking into a bar one night, a man yelled out, "Who's the strongest in here?"

A huge man stands up and thumps his own chest.  "I am the strongest!"

"Great!" the first man said.   "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

(Don't judge a joke by its title.)

Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that dumb makeup!!!

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone off my knee and it fell into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

WOMEN DRIVERS!

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."  But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo.  The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it.
As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."  Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler, "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda, "The Apostles were in one Accord."

You need a new car when...

- You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.

- You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

- You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

- The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."

- The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88" sticker.

- You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

- Evel Knievel refuses a free lift.

- The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.

- The guys at the repair shop refer you to Dr. Kevorkian.