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Parenting Jokes

  • Baby Prescription

    doctor4A woman brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an earache.

    He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

    Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

    The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

    "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

  • Brotherly Advice

    supermanCharlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

    "Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said. "Just flap your arms really hard."

    So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below.

    Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What happened?"

    Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything he's told."

  • Buckle Up

    convertibleI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. 

    She was stark naked! 

    As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat,

    "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

  • Bus Manners

    bus interiorA young mother was riding the bus with her four year old boy when he suddenly blurted out so that everyone in the bus could hear, "Look mom, see that man's nose, it looks soooo funny!"

    The mother was quite embarrassed and scolded her son. Then she whispered to him that if there was something he wanted to say about someone then he had to wait until they got home or at least where nobody could hear them, so that nobody would be sad.

  • Cinderoofer

    roofersWhen my children received the video of Cinderella as a summer gift, they watched it almost nonstop for three days. Since it was warm outside, we kept the windows open.

    Our neighbors were having their roof reshingled by three burly men. As I went out to get the mail one afternoon, I heard a roofer singing, "...put it together and what do you get?"

    "From the other side of the house came a chorus of two more husky voices: "Bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi, bobbidi boo!"

  • Do You Understand?

    baseball1At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes.

    "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

    "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes.

    "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

  • First Date

    dinner dateA young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

    His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

    He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

    "I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

    "What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

    "We hadn't started eating yet."

  • Fishy Dinner

    fisheyeA friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.

    All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her.

    The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

    The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

  • Granny's Visit

    picture of old ladyLittle Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug.

    "I'm so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he's been promising to do!"

    His grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, sweetie?"

    The little guy smiled at her, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"

  • Hammer Laugh

    hammer and thumbOne day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind. His mother said, "Bobby, why are you crying?"

    "Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" little Bobby wailed.

    "Why, that's not something to cry over," his mother told him. "That should make you laugh."

    Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, "I DID laugh!"

  • He'll Get Quiet

    doctor4A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. 

    But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

    "No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

  • Heredity

    child happyWith her brown eyes and curly hair, our youngest daughter takes after my husband. At three, she was a lively, mischievous girl, and people often remarked on how cute she was. One day I was standing with her in the supermarket when a woman commented on how cute she was.

    My smile disappeared when she asked, "Is she really yours?"

  • I Want To Be A Bear

    bearI want to be a bear......

    If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

    Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

    If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

  • Jeanne Robertson

    Sometimes being a mother is a dish best served cold after 29 years.

  • Long Passwords

    computer keyboardMy kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

    I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long.

    "Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

  • Meeting With Teacher

    schoolMiss Smith and Little Johnny's father were having a parent teacher conference.

    Miss Smith said to Little Johnny's father, "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son."

    Little Johnny's father asked, "What's that?"

    "With grades like these, he couldn't possibly be cheating."

  • Mistakes

    mistake1If a barber makes a mistake,
    It's a new style...

    If a driver makes a mistake,
    It is an accident...

    If a engineer makes a mistake,
    It is a new venture...

    If parents makes a mistake,
    It is a new generation...

    If a politician makes a mistake,
    It is a new law...

  • Murphy's Laws for Parents

    fridge1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

    2. Leak proof thermoses will.

    3. The chance of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

    4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

    5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

  • Name That Baby

    child2When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.

    Her 4-year-old son overheard some of his parents' private conversations.

    One day, when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

    "Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!!"

  • Oneliner #0956

    batmanLook Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn't change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.

  • Oneliner #0997

    parentingSaying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.

  • Oneliner #1096

    sleeping at work 2When your toddlers are teenagers, don't forget to wake them up at 4:45am to tell them your socks came off.

  • Outhouse Confession

    outhouseOnce there was a little boy who lived in the country.

    For facilities, they had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.

    One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.  So he got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

  • Parenting

    baby 6moWhen my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.

    I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.

    She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan,

    "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."

  • Parenting Challenges

    As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months.

    One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was trailing a frazzled mother with two active children, and I watched as she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case.

    "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"

  • Parenting Progress

    child toddlerOur three year-old granddaughter, Audrey, had just been through an episode of potty training by her Mom, who expressed concerns about her slow progress.

    Audrey, somewhat tired of the process, turned to her Mother and asked:

    "Can't we forget the potty training and just be friends?"

  • Please and Thank You

    mom and childWhile on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy.

    She also had her seven-year-old son with her.

    Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

    "What do you say?" she asked.

    Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

    The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

  • Practical Tricks to Play on Santa

    Santa list1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

    2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

    3. Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

    4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

  • Punishment

    man sonAn irritated father complained to his golf buddy.

    "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone, computer, every computer game and CD player in his room!"

    "So how do you handle it?" his friend asked.

    "I send him to MY room!"

  • Sinking Excuse

    icebergI think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.

  • Sorry I'm Late

    woman sleepyLate one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.

    In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

    "Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

    Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.

    "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

    "Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied. "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

  • Starting Over

    childrens handsThe mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had to do over again.

    "Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."

  • Sweater Gifts

    birthdayAlthough we had recently moved into a new neighborhood, our young son had already made many new friends, ten of whom were invited to his birthday party. When the happy day arrived and he opened his presents, I was amazed to see that eight guests had presented him with sweaters.

    Later I visited the mother of one of the boys to explain about the multiplicity of sweaters in the hope that an exchange might be arranged.

    She said coolly, "Well, after all, you were the one who wrote on the invitation what you wanted me to buy."

  • Swindled

    newspaper boy skyA newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it.  Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

    Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

    The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

  • Teacher Parents

    parentingMy wife and I are teachers, and our jobs often spill over into our family life. One morning as our eight-year-old Maggie was getting ready for school, I peeked into her room to be sure she had tidied it up.

    "You call THAT a made bed?" I asked.

    No Dad," Maggie replied. "It's just a rough draft."

  • The Difference of a Year

    roller coasterOur seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time, and she headed straight for Space Mountain.

    I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted.

    To her delight, we rode it twice.

    The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain.

    As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed.

    "Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go."

    I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time.

    She replied, "This year, I can read."

  • The Top Ten Things Not to Do at Your Child's Performance or Sports Event

    crowd110. Try to pep up the dance recital crowd by starting "the wave."

    9. Do a halftime trampoline show.

    8. With your buddies, spell out your child's name on your chests.

    7. Mimic the conductor.

    6. Start a paper airplane contest with the program.

    5. Clip your toenails.

  • The Violin

    violinLittle Hope was practicing the violin in the living room while her father was trying to read in the den.

    The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Hope's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

    The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up and yelled above the noise, "Can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

  • Tiny Rose

    baby feetA tiny sweet baby was born to a goober and his wife.

    They had always dreamed of having a child and naming her for the wife's beloved Aunt Rose.

    But the baby was so tiny and precious, Rose was too much of a name for her.

    They named her Bud instead.

  • Top 10 Wrong Ways to Initiate Your Son Into Manhood

    father and sonTop 10 Wrong Ways to Initiate Your Son Into Manhood

    10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

    9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

    8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

    7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.

  • Tough Kids

    boyThree little boys were bragging about how tough they were.

    "I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".

    "Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".

    "That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."

  • Vacation Time

    formJill had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

    "Pretty good I think," replied Jill. "But if I go to work there, I won't get a vacation unless I'm married."

    Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked, "Is that what they told you?"

    "No," replied Jill, "they didn't tell me that, but on the application it said,

    'Vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"

  • Wet Clothes

    pondCassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods than any of the others.

    Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes.

    A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"

    There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

  • Why Moms Get Nothing Done

     Moms work their buns off all day and yet somehow nothing is done at the end of the day...this is why.