A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"

"The glaciers brought them down," the guide replied.

"But where are the glaciers?" the lady continued.

"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected.

"Anybody can open an oyster."

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6:00 a.m. wake-up call.

The next morning, I awoke before 6:00, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the motel worker have it.

"You were supposed to call me at 6:00 AM!" I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel!"

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two guys are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two guys just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink.

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.

A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"

"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.

"But where are the glaciers?" The lady asked.

"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."

Leaving Montreal for Quebec, I decided to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.

I went into the washroom.

The first stall was taken so I went to the second stall. I'd just sat down when I heard a voice from the next stall... "Hi there, how's it going?"

Now I'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but finally I said, "...Not bad..."

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes, why do you ask?” answered the wife.

Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone. I am lost and I need directions."

Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.

He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well-dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.

Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.

"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?" he asked.

"Actually," the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area.

A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

Regarding "Eternal Truths:"

No matter where you go, there you are.

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the flight attendant tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.

"What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country.

The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop."

Here are some of the "All-Time Dumbest Questions" asked by Banff Park tourists.

On nature...

• How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?
• At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
• Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff: " 'Elk.'"  Tourist: "Oh."
• Are the bears with collars tame?
• Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
• Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
• Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
• I saw an animal on the way to Banff today... Could you tell me what it was?
• Are there birds in Canada?

Two snails were standing on the side of the road, a turtle stopped and said, "Do you guys want a ride on my back"?

One of the snails took him up on his offer and off he went.

As the turtle reached the intersection another turtle came along and crashed into him. The poor little snail was thrown and killed.

A cop investigating the accident began questioning the dead snail's buddy. "What happened?" he asked.

The little snail replied, "I don't know it all happened so fast."

One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.

Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles."

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.