A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Wow, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."

The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "Three companies are after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Money Belts: a waist of money.

A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small Yugo also drives up. The haughty businessman in the back of the limousine started bragging to the Yugo owner that his was the best car that money could buy.

"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with wifi embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."

At this point the Yugo owner interrupted.

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."

I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the textbook and was shocked to find out it would cost me $125. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

"You'll get $50," said the clerk.

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $500."

My dad gave me one dollar bill
'Cause I'm his smartest son,
And I swapped it for two shiny quarters
'Cause two is more than one!

And then I took the quarters
And traded them to Lou
For three dimes--I guess he didn't know
That three is more than two!

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.

Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion.

"Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh.

"Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace."

When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table.

I saw an interview on TV with an old farmer who won ten million dollars in the lottery.

Naturally he was asked what he was going do with all that money.

He scratched his head and said, "Not sure as I know right off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."

For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules.

He worked during the day, and I worked at night.

One morning I noticed he had left a note to himself on the kitchen counter that read, "STAMPS!"

As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work.

The next morning I found the same note.

"STAMPS!" was crossed out.

Underneath it he had written, "ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.

"Well Mary," said the man,

"Near as I can figure, based on the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we've got a hog back on the farm worth at least $137,000."

According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work.

Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.

Money can buy a house, but not a home.
Money can buy a bed, but not sleep.
Money can buy a clock, but not time.
Money can buy a book, but not knowledge.
Money can buy food, but not an appetite.
Money can buy position, but not respect.
Money can buy blood, but not life.
Money can buy insurance, but not safety.

You see, money is not everything!
Therefore, if you have too much money, please send it to me.

I wish my wallet came with free refills.

Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."

One Liner Advice: It pays to buy things you dislike; they last much longer.

The price of balloons is going up. They blame it on inflation.

100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today, everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

A woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"

A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within."

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000."

The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount!"

You know you'rein trouble when...

Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the District Attorney is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.