Doctor Puns

  • baby3Baby Vaccination Jokes: pretty innocuous.

  • doctor4A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library... The librarian quips after checking the books...

    "Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book..."

    The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix whenever I see one."

  • Porpoise punA research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

    "Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"

    "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."

  • A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing to their hospital. This was what they said:

    doctor4The Allergists voted to scratch it. 

    The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves. 

    The Psychiatrists thought it was madness. 

    The Radiologists could see right through it. 

    The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it. 

  • doctor officeA man walks into his doctor's office and says,

    "Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me."

    A voice from the man's stomach says, "No, you haven't."

  • optometristOptimistic Optometrist: “They’ll see. They’ll ALL see.”

  • lyreA psychologist is meeting with a new patient that just happens to be a musical instrument.

    Says the patient, "I'm a guitar! I'm a guitar!"

    Says the psychologist kindly, "You're a lyre."

  • medical chartsThey told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type O.

  • doctor fileThe surgeons say they might be able to fix my mangled hands: Fingers crossed!

  • childrens handsPaediatricians tend to have very little patients.

  • doctor officeThe psychiatrist's receptionist went to her boss and said, "Doctor, there's a man in the office who thinks he's invisible."

    The psychiatrist replied, "Tell him I can't see him."

  • childPediatricians tend to have very little patients.

  • doctor5Near the end of my operation, I suddenly woke up and demanded the right to close my incision.

    Reluctantly, the surgeon handed me the needle and said,

    "Suture self."

  • doctor5Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, and demands to know what is going on.

    "I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

    The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

    The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."

  • book mysteryYou’re at a loss for words: don’t worry, maybe it’s just aphasia.