Buyer Beware: Shopping malls have benches, so guys can sit while they give up the will to live.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck; but through hard work, time and perseverance I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people's carts when they're not looking.

I like to make lists; I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and guess what's on them while I'm at the store. Anyone else like to do that too?

Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

- Anne Tyler

At the store today, when the cashier said, "Strip down facing me" apparently she was referring to my credit card!

So apparently the security guard at Safeway didn't believe that life gave me that lemon.

I really wish the dollar store would start selling gas.

Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.

Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an "Escalator temporarily stairs - sorry for the convenience" sign.

- Mitch Hedberg, Comedy Central Presents

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4!

They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry; it's been several days now... what should I do?

One Liner Advice: It pays to buy things you dislike; they last much longer.

I hate when old people say tattoos are a waste of money; like, okay Marion, you have a cabinet of expensive plates people aren't allowed to use.

Advice #2:

It pays to buy things you dislike; they last much longer.

The yogurt aisle is so confusing now: It's all Greek to me.