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Shopping One Liners

  • Dr. Benchvorkian

    shoppingBuyer Beware: Shopping malls have benches, so guys can sit while they give up the will to live.

  • Oneliner #0971

    credit cardsAt the store today, when the cashier said, "Strip down facing me" apparently she was referring to my credit card!

  • Oneliner #0989

    lemonSo apparently the security guard at Safeway didn't believe that life gave me that lemon.

  • Oneliner #1007

    gasoline fillupI really wish the dollar store would start selling gas.

  • Oneliner #1065

    shopping cartsShopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.

  • Oneliner #1099

    shopping2Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.

  • Oneliner #1128

    escalatorI like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an "Escalator temporarily stairs - sorry for the convenience" sign.

    - Mitch Hedberg, Comedy Central Presents

  • Oneliner #1140

    shoppingAccidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4!

  • Oneliner #1174

    fridge emptyThey say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry; it's been several days now... what should I do?

  • Oneliner #1202

    credit cardOne Liner Advice: It pays to buy things you dislike; they last much longer.

  • Oneliner #1229

    Tattoos versus china dinnerwareI hate when old people say tattoos are a waste of money; like, okay Marion, you have a cabinet of expensive plates people aren't allowed to use.

  • Yogurt Aisle

    yogurt greek brands The yogurt aisle is so confusing now: It's all Greek to me.