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Shopping One-liners

  • shoppingBuyer Beware: Shopping malls have benches, so guys can sit while they give up the will to live.

  • Now I live direct deposit to direct deposit.I grew up living paycheck to paycheck; but through hard work, time and perseverance I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

  • Turn your trip to the grocery store into a Ninja challenge.Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people's carts when they're not looking.

  • I like to make lists and leave them at home.I like to make lists; I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and guess what's on them while I'm at the store. Anyone else like to do that too?

  • dog6Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

    - Anne Tyler

  • credit cardsAt the store today, when the cashier said, "Strip down facing me" apparently she was referring to my credit card!

  • lemonSo apparently the security guard at Safeway didn't believe that life gave me that lemon.

  • gasoline fillupI really wish the dollar store would start selling gas.

  • shopping cartsShopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.

  • shopping2Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.

  • escalatorI like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an "Escalator temporarily stairs - sorry for the convenience" sign.

    - Mitch Hedberg, Comedy Central Presents

  • shoppingAccidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4!

  • fridge emptyThey say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry; it's been several days now... what should I do?

  • credit cardOne Liner Advice: It pays to buy things you dislike; they last much longer.

  • Tattoos versus china dinnerwareI hate when old people say tattoos are a waste of money; like, okay Marion, you have a cabinet of expensive plates people aren't allowed to use.

  • Shopping AdviceAdvice #2:

    It pays to buy things you dislike; they last much longer.

  • yogurt greek brands The yogurt aisle is so confusing now: It's all Greek to me.