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Money One-liners

  • burns and allenGeorge: Rich, ME?  No, I'm a pauper.

    Gracie: Congratulations! Boy or girl?

  • Free advice one-linerFree advice is worth what you paid for it.

  • Now I live direct deposit to direct deposit.I grew up living paycheck to paycheck; but through hard work, time and perseverance I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

  • mathIf I had a dollar for every time I used algebra in my adult life, I'd have 'n' dollars.

  • walletI wish my wallet came with free refills.

  • uspennyIn the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?

  • face funnyOkay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

  • burns and allenGeorge Burns has some of the best one-liners!

    George: Gracie, did the nurse ever happen to drop you on your head when you were a baby?

    Gracie: Oh no! We couldn't afford a nurse, my mother had to do it herself.

  • vending machinesChange is inevitable except from vending machines.

  • dog oliver"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -  Unknown

  • moneyBorrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

  • moneyIf people could be paid to die for us, they'd get rich.

  • chequeIf you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments!

  • shopping2Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.

  • woman3If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

  • A oneliner about being ugly and girls.If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, eventually they would find me attractive.

  • credit cardOne Liner Advice: It pays to buy things you dislike; they last much longer.

  • mathIf I had a dollar for every time I've used algebra in my adult life, I'd have "n" dollars.

  • banking one linerMy bank has a new service where they will text you your balance; it's cool, I just don't think they should add "LOL" at the end.

  • Tattoos versus china dinnerwareI hate when old people say tattoos are a waste of money; like, okay Marion, you have a cabinet of expensive plates people aren't allowed to use.

  • Gambling one linerI like to play blackjack; I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

    - Mitch Hedberg

  • quote 1619

    "If you will sacrifice for the sake of money, but will not sacrifice for the sake of Jesus, don't deceive yourself: money is your god."

    - David Guzik