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Military Humor

  • Airborne Recruiting

    parachute 82nd AirborneAfter enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.

    "Well," he said, "its three weeks long."

    "What else," I asked.

    "The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said.

    "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

    "And the third week?" I asked.

    "The third week, the fools jump."

  • Airport Security

    Airport metal detectorsOn a business trip, my father approached a security checkpoint at the airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard, in full uniform, was in line in front of him.

    As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal detector. So, as he did so, he handed his M-16 rifle to security personnel along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight.

    Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through. Further inspection revealed a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets.

    "Sorry, Sir, but this item is prohibited," security said to the soldier.

    Then, taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.

  • Bravest Men

    Not the tank mentioned in this military jokeAdmiral McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrived at the military camp and was greeted by Marshall. They both walked around the place, and McKenzie asked, "So how are your men?"

    "Very well trained."

    "I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained they're the bravest men all over the country."

    "Well, my men are very brave, too."

    "I'd like to see that."

    So Marshall called private Cooper and said, "Private Cooper!  I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

    "Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!"

    As private Cooper ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said, "You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

  • Careless Words

    aircraft carrier USS George WashingtonWhile my son was on board the Navy carrier USS GEORGE WASHINGTON, the air wing was busy with training missions.

    After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

    The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing,

    "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are hunting submawenes."

  • Discipleship

    military bootsAs a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington, DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home," he said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."

    The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe, shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."

  • Major Wedgie

    And that's how Ben got the nickname
    "Major Wedgie"

    major wedgie

  • Military Computer Manners

    computer keyboardThe Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

    To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or retreat?"

    The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."

    The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"

    The computer instantly replies, "Yes, SIR!"

  • Oneliner #1048

    person shrugWhy do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"?

  • Pope Pun 2

    priestHans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.

    Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent.

  • Recruiting Crisis

    F 15 fighter jetThe chief of staff of the Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in a recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

    The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

    The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

    The general turns to his aide and says, "Sign him up -- all the paper work done, everything, do it today!" The aide hustles the young man off.

    The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

  • Standard Difficulty

    flag britishPoorly folded flags: Worst Furled Problems.

  • What Time Is It?

    clockOn some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

    One day, on just such a field, the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

    The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

    The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

    The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference:

    • If you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
    • If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours.
    • If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
    • If you are an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
    • If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.
    • If you are in the National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."