Back in the days before digital music, a woman intended to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner, "but I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions.

Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem.

The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.

Aggressive Carolers: Wassailants

Beethoven got rid of his chickens, because the only thing they ever said was,

"Bach, Bach, Bach!"

I hate the key of e-minor.

It gives me the e-b-g-b's

The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room.

The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student, Tommy, could stand it no more.

He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its fate.

"Is it a bee?" another student asked.

"Nope," Tommy replied. "Bee flat."

Johann Strauss was an avid mountain climber who once waltzed himself into deep trouble. He lost his footing and found himself hanging by his fingertips over a bottomless gorge.

Another climber heroically came to his rescue and just managed to grab Johann by a strap of his backpack to save the Maestro's life.

Since then, the act of trying to get out of a seemingly hopeless situation has come to be known as grasping at Strauss.

"You call this a musical?" asked Les miserably.

Some friends invited me to play "Name That Gregorian Tune,"

but I don't involve myself in games of chants.

The local monastery is looking for a choir director: apply if you get the chants.

A psychologist is meeting with a new patient that just happens to be a musical instrument.

Says the patient, "I'm a guitar! I'm a guitar!"

Says the psychologist kindly, "You're a lyre."

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.

Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Someone steals your Christmas parcels.

Better call the police Navidad.

After the rhythm section got back together there were repercussions.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera!

He sees you when you've been sleeping; he knows when you're awake. He keeps preaching either way.

Don't ever run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out.

Or worse yet, get kilt!

Dean Martin as a scuba instructor: "That's a moray."

At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

I heard about this band called 999 Megabytes. They still haven't gotten a gig.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.

A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low on coal. The engineer said to his fireman,

"We're coming to a town, let's stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the name of the town on the depot sign?"

The fireman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark."

And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"

Two keys were hanging in the undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other one was for the flower car in the garage.

Two small signs were above the keys.

One read "Hymn;" the other "Hearse."

Not many people knew Wyatt Earp was a choir composer; not a great one, but he could shoot out an okay chorale.