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Lawyer Jokes

  • Abuse of the Courts

    policeA police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

    "How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"

  • Divy It Up

    classroomMrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

    "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

    After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand.

    The teacher called on Morris for his answer.

    With complete sincerity in his voice, little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"

  • Duelling Judges

    judges gavelTyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"

    "Guilty."

    "That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court."

    Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked Tyler.

    "Guilty."

    Tyler reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."

  • How To Lose Your First Case

    pig upcloseA young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina.

    A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.

    "Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box."

  • Inheritances

    money stackJack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament.

    "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars."

    "To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar."

    "To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000."

    "And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."

  • Jury Bribe

    legal gavelMurphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

    The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. 

    When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way.

    "Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

  • Large Party

    train stationOn one occasion William Howard Taft, in his work as an attorney, took a train to Somerville, about 40 miles north of his home in Cincinnati.

    At the end of the day he knew that the policy of the railway was not to stop for just one passenger to board. He therefore sent this telegram: "Stop at Somerville for a large party."

    As the train came to a halt, Taft began to board the train, and conductor asked, "Where's the large party?"

    Taft, with all of his 335 pounds replied, "I'm the large party."

  • One Question Too Far

    A joke about a lawyer and a policeman who argue in a courtroomA defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial--it went like this:

    Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
    A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

    Q: Officer, who provided this description?
    A: The officer who responded to the scene.

  • Oneliner #0987

    moon

    When the moon hits your eye,

    like a big pizza pie...

    that's a lawsuit.