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Wedding Jokes

  • Diamond Assumption

    restaurant meal3An acquaintance of mine, whose daughter was about to be married, decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that, instead of a fee she would accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.

    A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.

    "Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table. "These Texas women are tough!"

  • Flower Order

    daisiesBy the time the wedding planner finally bothered to order the flowers there were none left.  

    The service ended up being quite lackadaisical.

  • Give and Take

    brideAll eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.

    They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

    The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.

    Even the priest smiled broadly.

    As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

  • Matching Shoes

    bald man1John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding.

    They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.

    Nancy replied, "Silver."

    At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep silver...to match her hair."

    Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So, John, I guess you are going barefoot."

  • Newlywed Grace

    wedding ringsA recently married man was walking with his father one day and said:

    "My new wife's cooking is so bad, we pray AFTER we eat!"

  • Wedding Comeback

    wedding cakeWhen I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

    They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

  • Wedding Pass

    officer navyA friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.

    "You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding."

    "No, YOU don't understand," the officer replied. "You're in the Navy."

  • Wedding Vows

    wedding kidsA grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding."

    The wedding vows went like this:

    "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."