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Student Jokes

  • 4th Grade Experiment

    studentsThe fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.

    When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

    She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?"

    Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead!!"

  • Battle Hymn of Term Finals

    university buildingMine eyes have seen the horror
    Of the ending of the term
    It has poisoned all my spirits
    Like an apple with a worm
    It's infected all my freedom
    Like an ugly cancer germ
    The truth shall soon be known.

    Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
    Failure and humiliation,
    Failure, failure, academia,
    The truth shall soon be known.

  • Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

    couple argue2Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...(especially when you share the same major!)

    PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

    SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

  • Class Drop

    Karl MarxI dropped out of communism class: lousy Marx.

  • Colorful Grandma

    colorsI didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.

    I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.

    At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely,

    "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

  • Cry On for Crayons

    crayonsThe kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.

    Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

    "Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

    "Not really," Willie said. "What happened to all them crayons?"

  • Divy It Up

    classroomMrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

    "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

    After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand.

    The teacher called on Morris for his answer.

    With complete sincerity in his voice, little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"

  • Doctor's Advice

    medical deskA young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.

    "Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"

    "Sure!" The doctor said. "You have way too much time on your hands!"

  • Education and Training

    credit cardI'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the textbook and was shocked to find out it would cost me $125. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

    "You'll get $50," said the clerk.

  • Homework Policy

    school houseHere is an explanation of the school homework policy:

    Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:

    • 15 minutes looking for assignment.
    • 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
    • 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
    • 8 minutes in the bathroom.
    • 10 minutes getting a snack.
    • 7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
    • 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
    • 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
  • How Was I Born?

    storkA boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

    "Well, Honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

    "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

    "Oh, the stork brought us too."

    "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

    "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

    Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

    "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

  • Interview Phrases

    office manPhrases for you to use in a job interview - or to interpret when interviewing!

    Phrase: I'm extremely adept at all manners of office organization.
    Meaning: I've used Microsoft Office.

    Phrase: I'm honest, hard-working and dependable.
    Meaning: I pilfer office supplies.

  • Job Interview

    office writeReaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

    "In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

    "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

    "Wow! Are you kidding?"

    "Yeah, but you started it."

  • Johnny's F

    school houseLittle Johnny stared at his test paper.

    The big read "F" stared back at him.

    Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

    "Because of an absence," Johnny answered.

    "You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.

    Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

  • Jonah Comeback

    fisheyeA little girl was talking to her teacher about Jonah being swallowed by a great fish. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a fish to swallow a human because even though they were large their throat was very small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a large fish.

    The teacher reiterated that a fish could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

    The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"

    The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

    The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

  • Meet Me For Lunch

    teacherThe teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

    After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?"

    After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

  • Miles and Eggs

    schoolThe teacher noticed that Mike had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention.

    "Mike," she said. "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are three dollars a dozen, how old am I?"

    "Thirty-four," Mike answered without hesitation.

    The teacher replied, "Well, that's not far from the truth. Tell me... how did you guess?"

    "Oh, there's nothing to it," Mike said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."

  • Mr. Jones Is History

    usa mapMr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time.

    One day a week, he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History.

    Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

    He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

    From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13!"

  • Oneliner #1095

    math4 out of 3 people struggle with math.

  • Oneliner #1114

    book ideaTo steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  • Oneliner #1115

    math42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

  • Oneliner #1136

    universityChoose a degree in something you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life, because that field probably isn't hiring.

  • Oneliner #1184

    mississippi"I never called you stupid; but when I asked you how you spelled Mississippi, and you asked if I was talking about the river or the state, it just kind of caught me off guard."

  • Oneliner #1192

    office womanI'm as good at making similes as someone who is really good at making similes.

  • Permitted To Learn

    car w driver2As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

    One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

    When the first student had completed her time, I asked her to change places with one of the others.

    Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, she asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?"

  • Piranha Spell

    classroomWhile my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha."

    I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem.

    That's when I overheard another pupil say to him,

    "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."

  • School Recommendation

    universityWhen I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.

    "We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."

    After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"

    "Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."

  • Smart As A Brick

    students1While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

    "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.

    "Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish this courtyard."

    "So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

    The guide replied simply, "One."

  • Studying

    student1There was a kid taking a Statistics Class in college (STT101). He finished his exam in half the time allotted, and the rest of the time he sat and flipped a coin.

    The teacher asked what he was doing and he said,

    "I'm checking my answers."

  • Water Dorm

    bucketWhen I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.

    Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!"

    It was then he realized we'd removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.

  • Wills Explained

    children playI was in my wills and trusts course when the professor posed this question to the students:

    "Why do people choose to have their children, rather than their siblings, inherit their estate?"

    After students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand.

    "This may be a bit off the point," he said, "but when I was little, after my brother and sister finished playing with me, they would put me into a drawer."

  • You Must Be a Teacher If

    A teach joke about the signs of being a teacherYou Must Be A Teacher If...

    ~ You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.

    ~ You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."

    ~ You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

    ~ You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."