The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.

When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead!!"

*  "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was."

*  "Ronnie would not finish his work last night.  He said his brain was too tired of spelling."

*  "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend.  He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment."

A wise school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet.

She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.

The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.

Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said. "What happened to all them crayons?"

Trying to date a philosophy professor?

He doesn't even know if you exist or not!

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand.

The teacher called on Morris for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"

"The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground."

During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student's test-taking habit.

"Mr. Walters," the professor began. "Is there something interesting written on your palm?"

"Not at all," Billy replied. "It's all pretty boring."

A teacher was telling her class about plant names that have the word "dog" in them: dog-rose, dogwood, dog violet.

She asked the class if they could name another flower with the preface "dog."

Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure Miss Jones. How about a 'collie' flower!"

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded, "Ah, you're Freshmen."

Then he explained:

"When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they're Freshmen.

"When they put their newspapers down and open their books, they're Sophomores.

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:

• 15 minutes looking for assignment.
• 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
• 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
• 8 minutes in the bathroom.
• 10 minutes getting a snack.
• 7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
• 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
• 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

A college professor asked his class a question.

"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said, "Professor you're 44."

The Professor said, "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said,

"You see Professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's half nuts."

Little Johnny stared at his test paper.

The big read "F" stared back at him.

Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

"Because of an absence," Johnny answered.

"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.

Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about Jonah being swallowed by a great fish. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a fish to swallow a human because even though they were large their throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a large fish.

The teacher reiterated that a fish could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.

She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

Image credit: www.coolskies.net/holyland 

"All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman.... "

--It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.

--Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

--Wearing white is always appropriate.

--Winter is the best of the four seasons.

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Miss Smith and Little Johnny's father were having a parent teacher conference.

Miss Smith said to Little Johnny's father, "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son."

Little Johnny's father asked, "What's that?"

"With grades like these, he couldn't possibly be cheating."

The teacher noticed that Mike had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention.

"Mike," she said. "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are three dollars a dozen, how old am I?"

"Thirty-four," Mike answered without hesitation.

The teacher replied, "Well, that's not far from the truth. Tell me... how did you guess?"

"Oh, there's nothing to it," Mike said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."

If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a new style...

If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident...

If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture...

If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation...

If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law...

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time.

One day a week, he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History.

Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13!"

Twas the night before finals, and all through the college,
The students were praying for last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, but none touched their beds,
While visions of essays danced in their heads.

In my own apartment, I had been pacing,
And dreaded exams I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless, his nose in his books,
And my comments to him drew unfriendly looks.

The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed her time, I asked her to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, she asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?"

While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha."

I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem.

That's when I overheard another pupil say to him,

"Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."

While studying the occult, a teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?"

His response was, "My mother can."

The teacher replied, "Really?"

The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."

A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light.

When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class.

The judge looked at her sternly and said:

"So you're a schoolteacher. I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write 'I went through a stop sign.' FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!"

1.  Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
     But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

2.  Have you ever noticed?  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

3.  You have to stay in shape.  My friend's grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

4.  I'm not into working out.  My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.

The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.

The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year."

The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.

She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.

He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?"

The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year..."

"Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?"

Preamble: As I hope you know, understand, and even appreciate, the PearlyGates list/section features clean, theologically and/or politically incorrect jokes and humor. I mention this as an introduction to how I came to hear this joke.

If you follow Cybersalt on Facebook, you may have seen a link that was shared to an article entitled "10 Reasons Why Jesus would never win the American evangelical vote." This spurred some comments and discussion and at the end of one post by Kyle Hawkins (shout out to Kyle!) he shared this joke. 

I mention this because if you don't like this joke you can go to that Facebook discussion and flame Kyle instead of me, lol. While you are there, I hope you'll also praise Kyle for the gentle and gracious manner in which he took part in the discussion. And, yes, basically I also trying to get you to follow Cybersalt on FaceBook.

We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. 

"She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the teacher said. "In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?"

While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking the course raised his hand and replied, "A suspect."

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Johnny raised his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

You Must Be A Teacher If...

~ You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.

~ You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."

~ You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

~ You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."

A friend of mine has three boys. The youngest, Gregory, had just started school.

A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.

"Cartwheels," Gregory answered.