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Teacher Jokes

  • 4th Grade Experiment

    studentsThe fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.

    When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

    She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?"

    Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead!!"

  • Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes

    classroom*  "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was."

    *  "Ronnie would not finish his work last night.  He said his brain was too tired of spelling."

    *  "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend.  He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment."

  • Back To School Notes

    back to_school_copyA wise school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:

    "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

  • Combination Faith

    combination lockThe temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet.

    She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.

    The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.

  • Cry On for Crayons

    crayonsThe kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.

    Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

    "Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

    "Not really," Willie said. "What happened to all them crayons?"

  • Dating a Philosopher

    datingTrying to date a philosophy professor?

    He doesn't even know if you exist or not!

  • Divy It Up

    classroomMrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

    "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

    After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand.

    The teacher called on Morris for his answer.

    With complete sincerity in his voice, little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"

  • Flower Pun

    flower bunchA teacher was telling her class about plant names that have the word "dog" in them: dog-rose, dogwood, dog violet.

    She asked the class if they could name another flower with the preface "dog."

    Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure Miss Jones. How about a 'collie' flower!"

  • Foreign Encounter

    class2I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

    "How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

    "Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

  • Good Morning

    universityWhen I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded, "Ah, you're Freshmen."

    Then he explained:

    "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they're Freshmen.

    "When they put their newspapers down and open their books, they're Sophomores.

  • Homework Policy

    school houseHere is an explanation of the school homework policy:

    Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:

    • 15 minutes looking for assignment.
    • 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
    • 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
    • 8 minutes in the bathroom.
    • 10 minutes getting a snack.
    • 7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
    • 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
    • 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
  • Johnny's F

    school houseLittle Johnny stared at his test paper.

    The big read "F" stared back at him.

    Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

    "Because of an absence," Johnny answered.

    "You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.

    Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

  • Jonah Comeback

    fisheyeA little girl was talking to her teacher about Jonah being swallowed by a great fish. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a fish to swallow a human because even though they were large their throat was very small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a large fish.

    The teacher reiterated that a fish could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

    The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"

    The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

    The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

  • Karmel Recipe

    elijahThe Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.

    She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

    And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

    "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

    A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

    Image credit: www.coolskies.net/holyland 

  • Learned From a Snowman

    snowman"All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman.... "

    --It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.

    --Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

    --Wearing white is always appropriate.

    --Winter is the best of the four seasons.

  • Meet Me For Lunch

    teacherThe teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

    After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?"

    After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

  • Meeting With Teacher

    schoolMiss Smith and Little Johnny's father were having a parent teacher conference.

    Miss Smith said to Little Johnny's father, "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son."

    Little Johnny's father asked, "What's that?"

    "With grades like these, he couldn't possibly be cheating."

  • Miles and Eggs

    schoolThe teacher noticed that Mike had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention.

    "Mike," she said. "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are three dollars a dozen, how old am I?"

    "Thirty-four," Mike answered without hesitation.

    The teacher replied, "Well, that's not far from the truth. Tell me... how did you guess?"

    "Oh, there's nothing to it," Mike said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."

  • Mistakes

    mistake1If a barber makes a mistake,
    It's a new style...

    If a driver makes a mistake,
    It is an accident...

    If a engineer makes a mistake,
    It is a new venture...

    If parents makes a mistake,
    It is a new generation...

    If a politician makes a mistake,
    It is a new law...

  • Mr. Jones Is History

    usa mapMr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time.

    One day a week, he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History.

    Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

    He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

    From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13!"

  • Parental Supervision

    classroomThe math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

    Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

  • Permitted To Learn

    car w driver2As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

    One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

    When the first student had completed her time, I asked her to change places with one of the others.

    Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, she asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?"

  • Piranha Spell

    classroomWhile my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha."

    I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem.

    That's when I overheard another pupil say to him,

    "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."

  • Punishment vs. Vengeance

    police pull overA schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light.

    When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class.

    The judge looked at her sternly and said:

    "So you're a schoolteacher. I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write 'I went through a stop sign.' FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!"

  • Teacher's Gifts

    teacher appleOn a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"

    "That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

    "Just a wild guess," she said.

    The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"

  • What Gives You?

    Preamble: As I hope you know, understand, and even appreciate, the PearlyGates list/section features clean, theologically and/or politically incorrect jokes and humor. I mention this as an introduction to how I came to hear this joke.

    If you follow Cybersalt on Facebook, you may have seen a link that was shared to an article entitled "10 Reasons Why Jesus would never win the American evangelical vote." This spurred some comments and discussion and at the end of one post by Kyle Hawkins (shout out to Kyle!) he shared this joke. 

    chickensI mention this because if you don't like this joke you can go to that Facebook discussion and flame Kyle instead of me, lol. While you are there, I hope you'll also praise Kyle for the gentle and gracious manner in which he took part in the discussion. And, yes, basically I also trying to get you to follow Cybersalt on FaceBook.

  • What Kind of Person

    police dogWe were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. 

    "She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the teacher said. "In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?"

    While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking the course raised his hand and replied, "A suspect."

  • What Would I Be?

    walletA Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

    "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"

    Little Johnny raised his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

  • You Must Be a Teacher If

    A teach joke about the signs of being a teacherYou Must Be A Teacher If...

    ~ You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.

    ~ You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."

    ~ You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

    ~ You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."

  • Youngest in School

    child sixA friend of mine has three boys. The youngest, Gregory, had just started school.

    A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.

    "Cartwheels," Gregory answered.