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Failure Jokes

  • 10 Common Canine Complaints

    dog21. Building mounted fire hose connections are no substitute for a real hydrant.

    2. "Why can't I just make an appointment with the groomer to get my nails done? I can do without the shampoo, blow-dry and stupid pink bows."

    3. Nintendo is not easily paw operated.

    4. There are no real career opportunities for a dog who has been fixed.

    5. Silk plants may look real but when chewed cause extreme flatulence.

    6. "If Barbie wasn't meant as a chew toy, why do little girls set up her Dream House within easy reach?"

    7. No breakfast in bed.

    8. Really cool sneaker companies don't make doggie booties.

    9. "Snausages" is not in the dictionary.

    10. The average refrigerator door seam is too narrow to be easily opened by a snout.

  • Family Feud Answers

    face surprised*Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family Feud:*

    Name something a blind person might use: a sword

    Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon

    Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin

    Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar

  • Johnny's F

    school houseLittle Johnny stared at his test paper.

    The big read "F" stared back at him.

    Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

    "Because of an absence," Johnny answered.

    "You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.

    Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

  • Oneliner #1111

    cat fishbowlSuccess always occurs in private and failure in full view.

  • Oneliner #1133

    man officeIf we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.

  • Quote #1577

    quote 1575

    "You can know you have made God in your own image when He starts hating the same people you do."

    – Anonymous

  • The Importance of Proofing

    Proofreading is an important job in many different fields.~ IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

    ~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

    ~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

  • Wacky Warnings

    warning sign clownHere are the top five winning entries in the Wacky Warning Labels contest, sponsored by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch.

    "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."

    On a public toilet: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

    "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to forceful injection of water into body cavities, either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft."

    On an electric router: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."

    On a novelty rock-garden set (called Popcorn Rock): "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth."