word jokes

  • book mystery1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

    2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

    3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

    4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

  • glue stickGlue stick: is that redundant or an epoxymoron? 

  • angry manI can't remember how to write 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

    I am LIVID!

  • medieval guyWhen it comes to a battle with words, I'm always ready to mumble.

  • thiefIt's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

  • picture of letters*How to speak English Properly*

    1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
    2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
    3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
    4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
    5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
    6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
    7. Be more or less specific.
    8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
    9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
    10. No sentence fragments.
    11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
    12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
    13. [gbwl]Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
    14. One should NEVER generalize.
    15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
    16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
    17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
    18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
    19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
    20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
    21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
    22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
    23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
    24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
    25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
    26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
    27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
    28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
    29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
    30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
      And the last one...
    31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  • book ideaEGOCENTRIC: a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

    MAGAZINE: bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

    EMERGENCY NUMBERS: police station, fire department and places that deliver.

    OPERA: when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

  • Proofreading is an important job in many different fields.~ IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

    ~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

    ~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

  • book mysteryYou’re at a loss for words: don’t worry, maybe it’s just aphasia.