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Horse Jokes

  • Animal Race Stats

    horse stableSome racehorses are staying in a stable.

    One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"

    Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!"

    "Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail.

    At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.

    "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89!"

    The horses are clearly amazed.

    "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence.

    "A talking dog."

  • Blizzard Police

    horse snowWhile driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a policeman, standing waist deep in snow, directing traffic.

    Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the snow."

    The policeman called back, "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my horse!"

  • English Verses Western

    horsesMy wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.

    The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

    He told her one had a horn and one didn't.

    "Well," she replied, "the one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

  • Hat Blessing

    A joke about a Rabbi, a hat, and horse racingA Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a Gentile sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and then returns it to the Rabbi.

    "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the rabbi.  "Thank you very much."

    The rabbi then places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."

    The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1.  He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.

  • Horse Knock-Off

    picture of knight joustingYou mean you've never knocked a guy off a horse with a lance before?

    Surely you joust!

  • Motivation

    cowboy tackThe cowboy walked into the tack shop. "How much for a pair of spurs?" he asked the sales clerk.

    "Forty dollars."

    The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a twenty. "I'll take one spur."

    "What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked.

    The cowboy replied, "I figger if I can get one side of the horse movin', the other side'll go too."

  • Race Horses in a Stable

    Race horses talking in the stableSome race horses are staying in a stable when one of them starts to boast about his track record: "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

    Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

    "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

    At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

    The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

  • Worst Horse Ever

    horse raceA jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.

    The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.

    The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the jockey gives the horse a sharp thwap on the shoulder.

    Nothing.