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Customer Jokes

  • 20 Like You

    factoryA factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."

    "Wow, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."

    The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."

  • Balance

    bankI'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance . . . .

    she leaned over and pushed me.

  • Bank Call

    phone number buttonsOne of my jobs at a bank is to answer the phones and put callers through to the right person.

    When a customer called one day asking to speak with a bank representative, I said, "Of course, Sir. What is it about exactly?"

    Dryly, he replied, "It's about money."

  • Battery Life

    car oldAn angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier.

    "Listen", the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

    "Sorry," apologized the garage owner.

    "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

  • Burger Change

    burgerI had just finished visiting a friend in the hospital and stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work. I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29. She said "that'll be $4.83, please drive forward."

    "$4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That's 54 cents tax! That can't be right," my mind raced. Tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 (29) of 8 cents would be 35 cents max. I'd heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves. Someone did just that to me at a Hardees couple of years ago.

  • Clean Cup

    coffee cupBill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days.

    As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

    "No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

    "I'll have black coffee too," Bill said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."

  • Customer Service and Tact

    restaurant signAt a diner, I was standing in line to pay my bill behind two women who handed the young waitress a credit card.

    After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Allen, what do I do if it says 'reject'?"

    As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Allen, also the cook, calmly walked out from the kitchen.

    "Well," he answered, "the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking about leaving you a tip."

  • Don't Have Any

    store signA woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

    "Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

    The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

    "Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

    The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

    The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

  • Milkman Notes

    milkThese notes left for milkmen came from the UK, so you'll notice a slight, endearing British ambiance to them.

    "Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

    "Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."

    "Cancel one pint after the day after today."

    "Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"

    "Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

  • No ID

    peat mossA woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

    She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

    He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

    "How come?" asked the woman.

    "Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.

  • Wacky Warnings

    warning sign clownHere are the top five winning entries in the Wacky Warning Labels contest, sponsored by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch.

    "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."

    On a public toilet: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

    "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to forceful injection of water into body cavities, either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft."

    On an electric router: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."

    On a novelty rock-garden set (called Popcorn Rock): "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth."