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Grammar Jokes

  • Cry On for Crayons

    crayonsThe kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.

    Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

    "Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

    "Not really," Willie said. "What happened to all them crayons?"

  • English Buns

    cinnamon buns"Ah, synonym rolls . . . just like grammar used to make them."

  • How To Speak English Properly

    picture of letters*How to speak English Properly*

    1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
    2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
    3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
    4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
    5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
    6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
    7. Be more or less specific.
    8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
    9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
    10. No sentence fragments.
    11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
    12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
    13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
    14. One should NEVER generalize.
    15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
    16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
    17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
    18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
    19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
    20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
    21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
    22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
    23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
    24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
    25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
    26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
    27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
    28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
    29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
    30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
      And the last one...
    31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  • Oneliner #0957

    teacherIf you have to tell me what the rules are, at least use proper grammar....Thems the rules.

  • Oneliner #0986

    truck 2The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.

  • Oneliner #0993

    thesaurusI misplaced my thesaurus and feel terrible; just terrible, really terrible.

  • The Importance of Correct Punctuation

    woman deskWe've all been told how important it is to use correct punctuation. Well, here is a letter that illustrates the fact:

    *Version One*

    Dear John:

    I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
    Jane

  • The Importance of Proofing

    Proofreading is an important job in many different fields.~ IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

    ~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

    ~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

  • The King and I

    king and i"Actually, it should be The King and *ME*"
    - Rodgers & Grammarstein