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English Jokes

  • 10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

    book mystery1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

    2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

    3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

    4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

  • 14 Letters

    paper penRobert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test as part of the application process. Though both of them found the test a breeze, they also both admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."

    "How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first... then I thought of Superintendent."

    "I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."

  • Cub Reporter

    newspaper2The newspaper editor was instructing the cub reporter in important details of his calling.

    "Never state as a fact anything you are not absolutely sure about," said the editor.

    "To avoid putting the paper in the position of stating something which it may not be able to prove, you should always use the words 'alleged,' 'claimed,' 'reputed,' 'rumored,' and so on, unless you know positively that everything is true as stated.

  • English Buns

    cinnamon buns"Ah, synonym rolls . . . just like grammar used to make them."

  • English Verses Western

    horsesMy wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.

    The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

    He told her one had a horn and one didn't.

    "Well," she replied, "the one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

  • How To Speak English Properly

    picture of letters*How to speak English Properly*

    1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
    2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
    3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
    4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
    5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
    6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
    7. Be more or less specific.
    8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
    9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
    10. No sentence fragments.
    11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
    12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
    13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
    14. One should NEVER generalize.
    15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
    16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
    17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
    18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
    19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
    20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
    21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
    22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
    23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
    24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
    25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
    26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
    27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
    28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
    29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
    30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
      And the last one...
    31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  • Milestone

    milestoneMilestone: Throw a rock 5,280 feet.

  • Oneliner #0983

    uspennyIn the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?

  • Oneliner #0986

    truck 2The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.

  • Self Static

    electrician"I keep shocking myself," said Tom, revolted.

  • Sewing Machine Ad

    Poorly worded ad causes trouble.The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

    MONDAY:

    For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

    TUESDAY:

    Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

    WEDNESDAY:

    Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

    THURSDAY:

    Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

  • Shoe Fit

    Tight ShoesA man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.

    "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

    "Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

    The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out." the clerk says.

    "Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

  • Some Wacky Definitions

    book ideaEGOCENTRIC: a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

    MAGAZINE: bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

    EMERGENCY NUMBERS: police station, fire department and places that deliver.

    OPERA: when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

  • Stop vs. Slow Down

    A police pullover jokeA policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.

    "No," the man replied.

    "You failed to stop at the stop sign," the officer explained.

    "But I did slow down!" the guy argued.

    The officer shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."

    The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"

    The officer pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."

  • The Importance of Correct Punctuation

    woman deskWe've all been told how important it is to use correct punctuation. Well, here is a letter that illustrates the fact:

    *Version One*

    Dear John:

    I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
    Jane