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George Burns Jokes

  • Burns and Benny

    burns and bennyJack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.

    "I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."

    "Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread."

  • Oneliner #1026

    cigar man"I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to, I might fall down."

    - George Burns

  • Oneliner #1045

    burns and allenGeorge Burns has some of the best one-liners!

    George: Gracie, did the nurse ever happen to drop you on your head when you were a baby?

    Gracie: Oh no! We couldn't afford a nurse, my mother had to do it herself.

  • Oneliner #1113

    burns and bennyDying is not popular; it has never caught on.

    That's understandable; it's bad for the complexion.

    - George Burns

  • Oneliner #1116

    burns and allenGeorge: Rich, ME?  No, I'm a pauper.

    Gracie: Congratulations! Boy or girl?

  • Oneliner #1122

    burns and bennyHappiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman - or a bad woman; depends on how much happiness you can handle.

    -George Burns

  • Oneliner #1193

    burns and benny"I'm an expert on Chinese food; when I eat it I only use one chopstick."

    - George Burns