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Retirement Jokes

  • AAADD

    old ladyThey have finally found a diagnosis for my condition.

    Hooray!! I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it goes:

    I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail.

  • Investing, Long Term Planning

    bananas green and yellowApproaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.

    "And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."

    "Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."

  • Remembrance

    balloons2The staff at a business office was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague. As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the retiring 'guest of honor' into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.

    The office workers were not prepared for the glares they received from passers-by, however.

    As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a long funeral procession.

    There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its large farewell message: "GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN."