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Clean Puns

  • Einstein punEinstein developed a theory about space;

    and it was about time too.

  • engagement ringPosition on Proposals: Getting down on one knee can be very engaging.

  • record playerBack in the days before digital music, a woman intended to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

    "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner, "but I have a wife and eleven children."

    "Is that a record?" she inquired.

    "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

  • glue stickGlue stick: is that redundant or an epoxymoron? 

  • whiteboardWhiteboards... they're remarkable.

  • angry manI can't remember how to write 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

    I am LIVID!

  • man coldAre you cold??

    Go sit in the corner; it's 90 degrees!

    ... Isn't that acute joke?

  • baby3Baby Vaccination Jokes: pretty innocuous.

  • Military punThe army kept advancing till its route was blocked by a dead hippopotamus lying across the road.

    "Carry on," commanded the general.

    And he was right.

    - Cynthia MacGregor

  • pill bottleIf you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus.

  • bakerHow could a baker not know how flower is spelt?

  • cinnamon bunsSomeone posted they had just baked some synonym buns.

    I replied, "You mean just like the ones grammar use to make?"

    Now I'm blocked.

  • tooth brush"I dropped the toothpaste!"

    - says Tom, crestfallen

  • bathroom sinkThanks to Norma K. Appel for sending today's CleanLaugh. 

    Dear Pastor Tim, this is a true story.

    It was Thanksgiving day and my friend's hall bathroom was not working.

    She had another bathroom off the master bedroom so she asked her pre-teen daughter to put a sign on the hall bathroom door and then close it.

  • medieval guyWhen it comes to a battle with words, I'm always ready to mumble.

  • shopping credit cardThe cashiers around here are always checking me out!

  • wallet2Money Belts: a waist of money.

  • bible oldThere was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

    "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

    "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

  • bird smallBird calls for sale. Cheap.

  • doctor4A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library... The librarian quips after checking the books...

    "Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book..."

    The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix whenever I see one."

  • bored"If you are bored, put on a cape, then you can be Super Bored!"

  • bankThank-you student loans for getting me through university. 

    I don't think I can ever repay you!

  • boxing glovesBoxers who are always on time, for their bouts are very punchual.

  • bridge in dcIn Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions.

    Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem.

    The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.

  • ice cream2Bert: "Say, Ernie, would you like some ice-cream?"

    Ernie: "Sherbert."

  • polo playerDid you hear about the bruin that was seen riding a horse and using a long stick to hit a little white ball?

    It was a very rare sighting of a polo bear.

  • car-keysFinding a burnt out starter motor is a moment of wreck ignition.

  • sword in the stone punOnly the true king could remove the sword from the stone... no one else could... they didn't have... arthurization.

  • computer stressWARNING!! There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can.

    If you get this email DO NOT OPEN IT! 

    It is Spam!

  • boomBreaking News!! Cheese Factory Explosion.

    De brie everywhere.

  • chemistryWanna talk about Sodium? Na

    Nitric Oxide? NO

    Potassium? K

    Can we talk about Sulfer, Uranium and Rhenium now?  SURe

    How about Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfer, Sodium and Phosphorous? OH SNaP!

  • chipsSorry I ate all the chips: It was a snaccident.

  • baby in white"Traditional christening services are being replaced by ceremonies where the newborn's name will be tattooed on some part of one or both parents' anatomy.

    Their choice of decorative script is, as one archbishop observed, the closest some of these people will ever get to a font."

  • carolersAggressive Carolers: Wassailants

  • kneading doughThis past weekend, I was doing some baking for the holidays. It was getting late and I was tired. So, I decided to leave the cleanup mess until the next morning.

    The next morning, I was getting my coffee and I noticed thousands of little tiny footprints in the flour on the countertop.

    Needless to say, I wasted no time calling the FBI.

    They confirmed that I did, in fact, have AntTracks. Yikes!

  • A good Christmas and Pizza PunWhat is King Wenceslas' favorite pizza?

    One that's deep pan, crisp, and even.

  • 96villager1Many years ago, I was casting kids at our church for the annual Christmas play. I gave the children choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.

    One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager."

    He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to them:

    "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"

  • santa wink"Christmas is a time when lots of people get Santa-mental."

  • men model plane“Christmas: That time of year when mother has to separate the men from the toys.”

    - Lee Daniel Quinn

  • clownsIf attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

  • ohio mapEvery time someone says, "Happy Columbus Day!" Dayton dies a little inside.

  • Karl MarxI dropped out of communism class: lousy Marx.

  • beethoven bustBeethoven got rid of his chickens, because the only thing they ever said was,

    "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

  • priestForgive me, Father, Pastor, Vicar, Padre, Priest... for I have synonymed.

  • caesarHow was the Roman Empire cut in half?

    With a pair of Caesars.

  • blocks with lettersI'm close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

    I don't know y.

  • campfire"I must make the fire hotter!" Tom bellowed.

  • coffee cupA sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

    The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army men in the bottom of the cup.

  • couple coffeeA man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

    The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

    The husband said, "Yes, but you are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it because that is your job. I can just wait for my coffee."

    Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."

    Husband replies, "I can't believe that. Show me."

    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...

    "Hebrews"

  • Funny clean pun about heads or tails.A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.

    On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.

    Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."