Einstein developed a theory about space;

and it was about time too.

Position on Proposals: Getting down on one knee can be very engaging.

Back in the days before digital music, a woman intended to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner, "but I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

Glue stick: is that redundant or an epoxymoron? 

Whiteboards... they're remarkable.

I can't remember how to write 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I am LIVID!

Are you cold??

Go sit in the corner; it's 90 degrees!

... Isn't that acute joke?

Baby Vaccination Jokes: pretty innocuous.

The army kept advancing till its route was blocked by a dead hippopotamus lying across the road.

"Carry on," commanded the general.

And he was right.

- Cynthia MacGregor

If you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus.

How could a baker not know how flower is spelt?

"I dropped the toothpaste!"

- says Tom, crestfallen

Thanks to Norma K. Appel for sending today's CleanLaugh. 

Dear Pastor Tim, this is a true story.

It was Thanksgiving day and my friend's hall bathroom was not working.

She had another bathroom off the master bedroom so she asked her pre-teen daughter to put a sign on the hall bathroom door and then close it.

When it comes to a battle with words, I'm always ready to mumble.

Money Belts: a waist of money.

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

Bird calls for sale. Cheap.

A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library... The librarian quips after checking the books...

"Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book..."

The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix whenever I see one."

"If you are bored, put on a cape, then you can be Super Bored!"

Thank-you student loans for getting me through university. 

I don't think I can ever repay you!

Boxers who are always on time, for their bouts are very punchual.

In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions.

Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem.

The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.

Bert: "Say, Ernie, would you like some ice-cream?"

Ernie: "Sherbert."

Did you hear about the bruin that was seen riding a horse and using a long stick to hit a little white ball?

It was a very rare sighting of a polo bear.

Finding a burnt out starter motor is a moment of wreck ignition.

Only the true king could remove the sword from the stone... no one else could... they didn't have... arthurization.

WARNING!! There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can.

If you get this email DO NOT OPEN IT! 

It is Spam!

Breaking News!! Cheese Factory Explosion.

De brie everywhere.

Wanna talk about Sodium? Na

Nitric Oxide? NO

Potassium? K

Can we talk about Sulfer, Uranium and Rhenium now?  SURe

How about Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfer, Sodium and Phosphorous? OH SNaP!

Sorry I ate all the chips: It was a snaccident.

"Traditional christening services are being replaced by ceremonies where the newborn's name will be tattooed on some part of one or both parents' anatomy.

Their choice of decorative script is, as one archbishop observed, the closest some of these people will ever get to a font."

Aggressive Carolers: Wassailants

This past weekend, I was doing some baking for the holidays. It was getting late and I was tired. So, I decided to leave the cleanup mess until the next morning.

The next morning, I was getting my coffee and I noticed thousands of little tiny footprints in the flour on the countertop.

Needless to say, I wasted no time calling the FBI.

They confirmed that I did, in fact, have AntTracks. Yikes!

What is King Wenceslas' favorite pizza?

One that's deep pan, crisp, and even.

Many years ago, I was casting kids at our church for the annual Christmas play. I gave the children choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.

One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager."

He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to them:

"Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"

"Christmas is a time when lots of people get Santa-mental."

“Christmas: That time of year when mother has to separate the men from the toys.”

- Lee Daniel Quinn

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

Every time someone says, "Happy Columbus Day!" Dayton dies a little inside.

I dropped out of communism class: lousy Marx.

Beethoven got rid of his chickens, because the only thing they ever said was,

"Bach, Bach, Bach!"

Forgive me, Father, Pastor, Vicar, Padre, Priest... for I have synonymed.

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

I'm close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know y.

"I must make the fire hotter!" Tom bellowed.

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army men in the bottom of the cup.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "Yes, but you are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it because that is your job. I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that. Show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...

"Hebrews"

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.

On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."

A blue ship crashed with a red ship.

The survivors were marooned.

On my tombstone, please write:

"Not appreciating my puns was a grave mistake."