Position on Proposals: Getting down on one knee can be very engaging.

Back in the days before digital music, a woman intended to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner, "but I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

Glue stick: is that redundant or an epoxymoron? 

Whiteboards... they're remarkable.

Are you cold??

Go sit in the corner; it's 90 degrees!

... Isn't that acute joke?

If you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus.

How could a baker not know how flower is spelt?

"I dropped the toothpaste!"

- says Tom, crestfallen

Thanks to Norma K. Appel for sending today's CleanLaugh. 

Dear Pastor Tim, this is a true story.

It was Thanksgiving day and my friend's hall bathroom was not working.

She had another bathroom off the master bedroom so she asked her pre-teen daughter to put a sign on the hall bathroom door and then close it.

When it comes to a battle with words, I'm always ready to mumble.

Money Belts: a waist of money.

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

Bird calls for sale. Cheap.

A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library... The librarian quips after checking the books...

"Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book..."

The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix whenever I see one."

"If you are bored, put on a cape, then you can be Super Bored!"

Thank-you student loans for getting me through university. 

I don't think I can ever repay you!

In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions.

Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem.

The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.

Bert: "Say, Ernie, would you like some ice-cream?"

Ernie: "Sherbert."

Finding a burnt out starter motor is a moment of wreck ignition.

WARNING!! There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can.

If you get this email DO NOT OPEN IT! 

It is Spam!

Breaking News!! Cheese Factory Explosion.

De brie everywhere.

Wanna talk about Sodium? Na

Nitric Oxide? NO

Potassium? K

Can we talk about Sulfer, Uranium and Rhenium now?  SURe

How about Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfer, Sodium and Phosphorous? OH SNaP!

Sorry I ate all the chips: It was a snaccident.

"Traditional christening services are being replaced by ceremonies where the newborn's name will be tattooed on some part of one or both parents' anatomy.

Their choice of decorative script is, as one archbishop observed, the closest some of these people will ever get to a font."

Aggressive Carolers: Wassailants

What is King Wenceslas' favorite pizza?

One that's deep pan, crisp, and even.

"Christmas is a time when lots of people get Santa-mental."

“Christmas: That time of year when mother has to separate the men from the toys.”

- Lee Daniel Quinn

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

Every time someone says, "Happy Columbus Day!" Dayton dies a little inside.

I dropped out of communism class: lousy Marx.

Beethoven got rid of his chickens, because the only thing they ever said was,

"Bach, Bach, Bach!"

Forgive me, Father, Pastor, Vicar, Padre, Priest... for I have synonymed.

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

I'm close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know y.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "Yes, but you are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it because that is your job. I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that. Show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...

"Hebrews"

My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defence Contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

Bought what I thought were a stack of classic Batman comic books from the 50's. Got 'em home and found the covers are Batman, but inside they're all Little Lulus!

I think I've been the victim of some sort of comic-con!

– David Manzi

"I just don't want to live in a cookie cutter house."
- Gingerbread family

A rare delicacy indeed is sautéed sloth.

Using the middle toe of the great Australian three-toed sloth, the only edible part of the creature, the careful chef de-bones it, pounds it as with veal, and sautés it briefly over a hot flame with shallots, carrot circles, and the faintest touch of Tabasco. Prepared in this fashion, sloth is an excellent main course, not unlike alligator in texture and taste.

Many people are under the false impression that sloth does not make a good meal, but this is because they've eaten it improperly prepared. It can only be sautéed, a fact unappreciated in culinary circles.

Too many cooks broil the sloth.

William Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, he was also a great cook.

One day, after he had prepared a new dish for his friends, he said, "I think there is one or more spices missing. What do you think?"

Their answer was, "Only thyme, Will Tell!"

It's definitely not a sedan - it's a coop!

or

The party is over
when the coop car arrives.

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It's called lunch.

I combined all of my wrist watches to make a belt!

It's a complete waist of time!

In the room the curtains were drawn: the rest of the furniture was real.

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and began circling his head.

Wouldn't you know it, the bug flew right into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket.

It went in one ear and out the udder.

Trying to date a philosophy professor?

He doesn't even know if you exist or not!

The Massachusetts Department of Transport found over 200 dead crows on Boston area highways recently and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

I just want to be as thin as my patience.