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Clean Puns

  • Adhesive Question

    glue stickGlue stick: is that redundant or an epoxymoron? 

  • Amazing Product

    whiteboardWhiteboards... they're remarkable.

  • Attention Fords!

    pill bottleIf you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus.

  • Baker Spell

    bakerHow could a baker not know how flower is spelt?

  • Bathroom Sign

    bathroom sinkThanks to Norma K. Appel for sending today's CleanLaugh. 

    Dear Pastor Tim, this is a true story.

    It was Thanksgiving day and my friend's hall bathroom was not working.

    She had another bathroom off the master bedroom so she asked her pre-teen daughter to put a sign on the hall bathroom door and then close it.

  • Battle Talk

    medieval guyWhen it comes to a battle with words, I'm always ready to mumble.

  • Belly Bank

    wallet2Money Belts: a waist of money.

  • Bird Calls

    bird smallBird calls for sale. Cheap.

  • Bored

    bored"If you are bored, put on a cape, then you can be Super Bored!"

  • Brought To You by the Letter "S"

    ice cream2Bert: "Say, Ernie, would you like some ice-cream?"

    Ernie: "Sherbert."

  • Burnt Out Starter

    car-keysFinding a burnt out starter motor is a moment of wreck ignition.

  • Chemistry Pun

    chemistryWanna talk about Sodium? Na

    Nitric Oxide? NO

    Potassium? K

    Can we talk about Sulfer, Uranium and Rhenium now?  SURe

    How about Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfer, Sodium and Phosphorous? OH SNaP!

  • Chip Apology

    chipsSorry I ate all the chips: It was a snaccident.

  • Christening Ink

    baby in white"Traditional christening services are being replaced by ceremonies where the newborn's name will be tattooed on some part of one or both parents' anatomy.

    Their choice of decorative script is, as one archbishop observed, the closest some of these people will ever get to a font."

  • Christmastime

    santa wink"Christmas is a time when lots of people get Santa-mental."

  • Christmastime Separation

    men model plane“Christmas: That time of year when mother has to separate the men from the toys.”

    - Lee Daniel Quinn

  • Class Drop

    Karl MarxI dropped out of communism class: lousy Marx.

  • Close Friends

    blocks with lettersI'm close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

    I don't know y.

  • Contractor

    defense pun

    My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defence Contractor."

    The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

     

  • Cookie Cutter House

    gingerbread family"I just don't want to live in a cookie cutter house."
    - Gingerbread family

  • Coop Car

    It's definitely not a sedan - it's a coop!

    or

    The party is over
    when the coop car arrives.

    coop car

  • Cow Return

    cow2Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

    It was the pot calling the cattle back.

  • Crunge

    food lunchMy favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It's called lunch.

  • Curtains

    living roomIn the room the curtains were drawn: the rest of the furniture was real.

  • Dairy Ear

    cowA farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and began circling his head.

    Wouldn't you know it, the bug flew right into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket.

    It went in one ear and out the udder.

  • Dating a Philosopher

    datingTrying to date a philosophy professor?

    He doesn't even know if you exist or not!

  • Dead Crows

    crowThe Massachusetts Department of Transport found over 200 dead crows on Boston area highways recently and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

    The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

    The Agency then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

    They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

  • Don't Laugh

    man2PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

  • Doughboy

    Pillsbury Doughboy PunThe Pillsbury Doughboy is my my roll model.

  • Easily Startled

    surprised babyWhy are you so easily startled?

    The answer may surprise you.

  • Easter Bunny Pun

    Easter bunnyA man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road.  He swerved to avoid hitting the bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit.  The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.  Candy, too.

    The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the bunny carrying the basket.

  • English Buns

    cinnamon buns"Ah, synonym rolls . . . just like grammar used to make them."

  • Expecting

    expecting mothers signYou should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.

  • Fish Eyes

    fisheyeFisheye lenses make the world go round.

  • Flamingo Act

    flamingoWhen my wife wanted me to stop acting like a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

  • Flight Memories

    plane passenger windowA round-trip plane ticket: Boy, that really takes me back.

  • Flower Order

    daisiesBy the time the wedding planner finally bothered to order the flowers there were none left.  

    The service ended up being quite lackadaisical.

  • Food Coloring

    food coloringI went to the doctor this morning because I swallowed some food coloring.

    The doctor said I am okay, but I feel like I dyed a little inside.

  • Fortress Pool

    castle"I'll dig another ditch around the castle, " Tom said remotely.

  • Friendly Correction

    boxing glovesCorrection from a friend can be a difficult blow, but will bring relief to your soul: call it a succour punch.

  • Glancing Blow

    omega3Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!! Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

  • Glass Skipper

    dolphinGlass Dolphin: clarity of porpoise.

  • Good Advice

    friends girlsA friend confided in me she's a kleptomaniac.

    I told her she should take something for it.

    Feels good to be there for a friend in need.

  • Good for Nothing

    children snow"My dad is a doctor. I can get sick for nothing," bragged one little boy.

    "Big deal," said his friend. "My dad is a minister, and I can be good for nothing." 

  • Good Place to Live

    swiss flagWhat's so good about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag's a big plus.

  • Grammar Problem

    sign wetpaintThe sign said “WET PAINT” so I emptied my Dasani water bottle on it. 

  • Gratis Recycling

    batteriesI gave all my dead batteries away today... free of charge.

  • Hard to Explain

    thiefIt's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

  • Hippo Zippo

    hippoWhat is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

    One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

  • Homage to Fromage

    cheese brieSweet dreams are made of cheese.

    Who am I to dis a brie?