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Senior Jokes

  • Boomer Songs Re-released

    record playerHey Baby Boomers! Some of our old favorites have been re-released. The following songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies."

    Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

    Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"

    The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

    Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

    Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"

    The Temptations--"Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

  • Brain vs Brawn

    wheelbarrow work argumentThe strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength.

    He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

    After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

    "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said.

  • Diet Woes

    food cholesteralA dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

    "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

    "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

    A 75-year-old man in the back row stood up and shouted, "Wedding cake."

  • Doctor's Advice

    A joke about an old man taking his doctor's advice.A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

    At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

    The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

    The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

  • Engaged Seniors

    senior coupleJacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 were all excited about their decision to get married.  They went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they passed a drugstore.  Jacob suggested that they go in.

    Doing so, he addressed the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

    The pharmacist answered: "Yes."

    Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

    Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

  • First and Next

    senior coupleA widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was approached by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

    "Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

    "What stopped him?"

    "I started talking about my next husband."

  • I Can Make This Putt

    golf bagPlaying golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"

    His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money.

    Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, "I can make this putt." 

    His pals are still trying to collect on the bet - and grandpa is too.

  • I'm Aging Gracefully

    woman oldI'm the life of the party... even when it lasts until 8 p.m

    I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

    I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

    I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid...

    I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

  • I'm Dead

    couple elderlyA husband and wife, both getting on in years, are in bed one morning.

    He takes her hand, and she says, "Don't touch me."

    He says, "Why not?"

    She answers, " Because I'm dead."

    Husband says, "What are you talking about? We're lying here talking to one another."

  • If I Were Santa

    santacloningIf I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do?
    I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
    And deliver some things just inside your front door...
    Things you have lost, but treasured before.

    I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
    And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
    Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
    Before rinses and bleaches took residence there. 

  • Investing, Long Term Planning

    bananas green and yellowApproaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.

    "And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."

    "Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."

  • Living to 80?

    A joke about living to the age of 80.I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

    He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

    "Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."

    Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

    I said, "No, I've heard that all 'red meat' is very unhealthy!"

    "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.

    "No, I don't," I said.

    He said, "Do you gamble or drive fast cars?" 

    "No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."

    He looked at me and said, "Then why on earth do you want to live to be 80?"

  • Mabel's Aid

    breakfastTwo elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

    Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

    Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. 

    Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

  • Nail Biting

    elderly coupleTwo older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

    "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said.

    "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

    "What did you do?"

    "I hid his teeth!"

  • Never Too Old

    old man 3Two elderly gentlemen were visiting.  "I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me.  But to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."

    "Well," said his friend, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."

    "No, I don't think it's that."

    "Well, maybe you remind her of her father."

    "No, it's not that either. It's just that she also mentioned something about carbon 14."

  • Senior "Favorite Things"

    There are recent rumors that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP (The American Association of Retired Persons). Ms. Andrews sang a favorite from the Sound of Music, "Favorite Things". There were a few changes to the words, to fit in with the AARP theme.

    Here are the new words to this tune:

    knittingMaalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
    Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
    Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
    Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
    Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    When the pipes leak,
    When the bones creak,
    When the knees go bad,
    I simply remember my favorite things,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

    Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
    No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
    Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinning,
    Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
    And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
    When we remember our favorite things.

    When the joints ache, when the hips break,
    When the eyes grow dim,
    I simply remember the great life I've had,
    And then I don't feel so bad.