A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"

"The glaciers brought them down," the guide replied.

"But where are the glaciers?" the lady continued.

"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected.

"Anybody can open an oyster."

A man and his wife had been traveling for 18 hours when they decided to stop for a few hours to rest. They checked into a nice hotel and slept for four hours. 

When they were ready to continue their trip, they went downstairs to pay their bill. The desk clerk handed them a bill for $350. The man exploded, and said the bill was too high, asking to see the manager. The manager met them at the front desk and explained that the hotel had an Olympic size pool and a nice conference room and they were available for the couple's use. "But we didn't use them!" the man complained.

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. 

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

"Did God throw him back down?"

A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink.

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.

A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"

"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.

"But where are the glaciers?" The lady asked.

"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Israel.

In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"

"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."

A student was heading home for the holidays.

When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York and as she gave the agent her luggage she asked,

"I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't to that."

"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

One of the funniest memories I have of the trials and tribulations of making the journey from childhood to adulthood was our annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.

Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail, "Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on." And almost every year we would turn around and go back. But as I recall, not once was it was ever plugged in. She often had the same fear that all our earthly possessions would disappear in a fire caused by her forgetfulness.

When I was about 14 years old, we were headed out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and, sure enough, Mom gasped, "I just know I left the iron on."

My father didn't say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.

An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost on the prairie. After what seemed like forever, they finally came to a city.

When they saw a gentleman on the sidewalk they pulled up to the curb and the lady wound down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir.  Where are we?"

The gentleman replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The woman rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said,

"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises.

Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye.

It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too." 

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday and I'll tell you what . . . never again!

Camping is nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

A friend of mine, and her husband, were on vacation.

They visited a church on Sunday.

My friend likes to sit close to the front.

So they entered a pew in the second row.

Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on bench, and said, "This pew is saved."

Her husband replied, "So are WE!"

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

Here are some of the "All-Time Dumbest Questions" asked by Banff Park tourists.

On nature...

• How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?
• At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
• Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff: " 'Elk.'"  Tourist: "Oh."
• Are the bears with collars tame?
• Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
• Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
• Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
• I saw an animal on the way to Banff today... Could you tell me what it was?
• Are there birds in Canada?

A man who sued an airline because his luggage went missing... has lost his case.

One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.

Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles."

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.