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Court Jokes

  • Dress Theft

    dress"You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.

    "Yes," answered the suspect.

    "And what did you steal?"

    "A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.

    "One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"

    "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But my wife didn't like the color."

  • Duelling Judges

    judges gavelTyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"

    "Guilty."

    "That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court."

    Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked Tyler.

    "Guilty."

    Tyler reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."

  • How To Lose Your First Case

    pig upcloseA young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina.

    A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.

    "Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box."

  • Jury Age

    birthday2Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice.

    She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.

    "You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.

    "I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."

    "You have to do it every year," she was told.

    "Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

  • Jury Bribe

    legal gavelMurphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

    The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. 

    When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way.

    "Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

  • One Question Too Far

    A joke about a lawyer and a policeman who argue in a courtroomA defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial--it went like this:

    Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
    A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

    Q: Officer, who provided this description?
    A: The officer who responded to the scene.

  • Punishment vs. Vengeance

    police pull overA schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light.

    When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class.

    The judge looked at her sternly and said:

    "So you're a schoolteacher. I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write 'I went through a stop sign.' FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!"

  • Tie Conspiracy

    tieAt a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.

    Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.