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Office Jokes

  • Biblical Spokespersons

    bible personWhat if Biblical characters could be recruited as high-tech promoters?

    Consider the following tech advocates and their ad slogans:

    Noah for Match.com: We can find a mate for anything. Why not you?

    Moses for the Excedrin Headache Resource Center (Excedrin.com):
    Take two tablets and call me in the morning.

    The dove for UPS.com: Guaranteed delivery in 40 days and 40 nights.

  • Corporate Listening

    office manThe company I worked for had an employee suggestion competition, the entire staff was asked to submit entries that would save money for the firm.

    The winner was a man who suggested the company save paper by posting corporate memos on bulletin boards, instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution.

    He won a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock.

    A memo announcing the winner went out to 200 people.

  • Help Desk

    office womanA man who worked the help desk for a large company received a call one day from a co-worker who called him because she couldn't figure out why her computer wouldn't come on.

    So he asked her, "Did you plug it in?"

    "Yes."

    He then asked her, "Did you turn in on?"

    She said, "Yes. What do you think I am? Some kind of goober?"

  • Interview Phrases

    office manPhrases for you to use in a job interview - or to interpret when interviewing!

    Phrase: I'm extremely adept at all manners of office organization.
    Meaning: I've used Microsoft Office.

    Phrase: I'm honest, hard-working and dependable.
    Meaning: I pilfer office supplies.

  • Job Interview

    office writeReaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

    "In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

    "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

    "Wow! Are you kidding?"

    "Yeah, but you started it."

  • Musings

    woman3* A bus station is where a bus stops.
    A train station is where a train stops.
    My desk is my work station...

    * I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

    * If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what genius came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

    * Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

    * What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

    * I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

    * Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.
    I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.

  • New Rules of the Office

    cubicleThese new rules of the office will be effective immediately.

    DRESS CODE:
    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

    SICK DAYS:
    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    SURGERY:
    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

  • Oneliner #1024

    coffee cupI wish some of my co-workers weren't allowed in the break room... because that's who I usually need a break from.

  • Prison vs. Work

    prisonIN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
    AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

    IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
    AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

    IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
    AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

    IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.