The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded.

"Half the audience walked out before I finished."

What if Biblical characters could be recruited as high-tech promoters?

Consider the following tech advocates and their ad slogans:

Noah for Match.com: We can find a mate for anything. Why not you?

Moses for the Excedrin Headache Resource Center (Excedrin.com):
Take two tablets and call me in the morning.

The dove for UPS.com: Guaranteed delivery in 40 days and 40 nights.

The company I worked for had an employee suggestion competition, the entire staff was asked to submit entries that would save money for the firm.

The winner was a man who suggested the company save paper by posting corporate memos on bulletin boards, instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution.

He won a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock.

A memo announcing the winner went out to 200 people.

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon when he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help.

She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 key over twenty minutes ago!"

A man who worked the help desk for a large company received a call one day from a co-worker who called him because she couldn't figure out why her computer wouldn't come on.

So he asked her, "Did you plug it in?"

"Yes."

He then asked her, "Did you turn in on?"

She said, "Yes. What do you think I am? Some kind of goober?"

Phrases for you to use in a job interview - or to interpret when interviewing!

Phrase: I'm extremely adept at all manners of office organization.
Meaning: I've used Microsoft Office.

Phrase: I'm honest, hard-working and dependable.
Meaning: I pilfer office supplies.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

After moving into our new office space, I was given the job of completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit!

If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office.

In all seriousness, he added the following comment to the head office about smashing the window:

"Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by returning your approval."

* A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
My desk is my work station...

* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what genius came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

* Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.
I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.

These new rules of the office will be effective immediately.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

I wish some of my co-workers weren't allowed in the break room... because that's who I usually need a break from.

I don't know about you, but I find those "Out-of-the-Office" e-mail auto-replies very ordinary and tedious. Here are some fun alternatives:

1. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

- I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are going to try!

- We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is I'm sick of you.

- It's not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than anyone else in the place.

- Today I'm going to mix business with pleasure. You're fired!

- I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work ever again.

- Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?