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Prayer Jokes

  • Bearly in the Kingdom

    bearOnce this atheist decided to take a walk in the mountains to admire all the accidents of nature. The mighty eagle soaring across the sky, the quickly moving mountain stream, the wind blowing through the tree tops. When all of a sudden he heard a noise in the brush behind him. Turning his head to look he saw a huge grizzly bear rushing at him.

    So he took off !! Running, running, trying to get away. He looks back again, the bear is almost on him! He trys to run faster! He trips, falls, rolls over just as the bear rushes up to him. The bear rears up on his hind legs and raises one huge paw to rip the guys head off when the man yells out, "My God, help me!"

  • Candle Help

    church candlesMrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

    The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye!  Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

    She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

    The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

    She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

    The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

    She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

    They parted ways.  Some years later they met again.  The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

    She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

    The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

    She replied, "Oh yes, Father!  Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

    The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?"

    She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle."

  • Combination Faith

    combination lockThe temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet.

    She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.

    The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.

  • Don't Need Grace

    meal familyLittle Mikey and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Mikey received his plate, he started eating right away.

    "Mikey! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.

    "I don't need to," the boy replied.

    "Of course, you do," his mother insisted through gritted teeth. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

    "That's at our house," Mikey explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

  • Hunting Prayer

    deerThe Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season.

    Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer.

    No one raised a hand.

    Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

    One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

  • Lotto Trouble

    lottery ballsA guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to do something he rarely does: ask God for help. He begins to pray...

    "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto".

    Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

    Joe again prays...

    "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

    Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

    Once again, he prays...

    "God, why aren't you helping me??  I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order...  "

    Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God himself:

    "Joe, meet me halfway on this one...Buy a ticket!"

  • Newlywed Grace

    wedding ringsA recently married man was walking with his father one day and said:

    "My new wife's cooking is so bad, we pray AFTER we eat!"

  • Pray Loud

    child prayTwo young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.

    At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW PVR..."

    His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

    To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"