"A Freudian Slip: when you say one thing but mean a mother."
I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time...
but you can never fool mom.
The hardest part of parenting is realizing that it is your circus and those definitely are your monkeys.
My daughter asked me what it's like to have kids, so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
What's it like having a toddler?
Imagine raising a heavily caffeinated chimpanzee who is allergic to sleep.
"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said, "Have you tried euthanasia?" and in the background, my mom yelled, "For the last time, it's echinacea!"
My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening were you?"
I thought... "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."
I told my parents they're famous now. I asked my dad who should play him in the movie and his answer did not disappoint:
Early mornings are great for spending time with the family: then they spoil it by waking up.
I sent that "Ancestry" site some information on my family tree and they sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over.
"Please pray for my wife; she married an idiot."
I am not contradicting you!
The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.
Children seldom misquote you; in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Camping is nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
Caller ID should be more detailed: "Wants Help Moving," "Going to Whine," "Will Ask to Borrow Money."
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
- Nora Ephron
Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.
When your toddlers are teenagers, don't forget to wake them up at 4:45am to tell them your socks came off.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Anyone who says, "Easy as taking candy from a baby!" has never tried.
I am always going the extra mile: because I never stop for directions.
As a young child my mother told me I can be anyone I want to be... turns out this is called identity theft.
My kids can't find their shoes when they need them, yet they can find that tiny bit of onion in their dinner.
They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a cat getting ready to vomit; NOTHING makes you jump out of bed faster!
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford; then I'll move in with them.
If Mom says "No," ask Nana;
if Nana says "No,"... who are we kidding?? Nana never says "No!"
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me!
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
- Sue Murphy
"When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you."
One Liner Advice: Survival is important, but don't stake your life on it.
Ninety percent of being married is just shouting "What?" from other rooms.
If Mom says "No," ask Nana; if Nana says "No"... who are we kidding? Nana never says "No!"
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure the kids took it."
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