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Family One-liners

  • woman angry"A Freudian Slip: when you say one thing but mean a mother."

  • surprisedI would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.

  • Fooling mom one-linerYou can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time...

    but you can never fool mom.

  • Naughty childrenThe hardest part of parenting is realizing that it is your circus and those definitely are your monkeys.

  • girl angryMy daughter asked me what it's like to have kids, so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

  • What is it like living with a toddler?What's it like having a toddler?

    Imagine raising a heavily caffeinated chimpanzee who is allergic to sleep.

  • mom and kids"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"

  • bedEarly mornings are great for spending time with the family: then they spoil it by waking up.

  • rootsI sent that "Ancestry" site some information on my family tree and they sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

  • idiot"Please pray for my wife; she married an idiot."

    @unappreciatedpastor

  • couple argueI am not contradicting you!

  • mother and daughterThe best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.  

  • child2Children seldom misquote you; in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

  • poolThe problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

  • tentCamping is nature‚Äôs way of feeding mosquitoes.

  • phone helpCaller ID should be more detailed: "Wants Help Moving," "Going to Whine," "Will Ask to Borrow Money."

  • dogs"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."

    - Nora Ephron

  • giftChildren will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.

  • sleeping at work 2When your toddlers are teenagers, don't forget to wake them up at 4:45am to tell them your socks came off.

  • woman3If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

  • childChildren are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.

  • baby cryingAnyone who says, "Easy as taking candy from a baby!" has never tried.

  • compassI am always going the extra mile: because I never stop for directions.

  • credit cardAs a young child my mother told me I can be anyone I want to be... turns out this is called identity theft.

  • mealMy kids can't find their shoes when they need them, yet they can find that tiny bit of onion in their dinner.

  • cat restingThey should make an alarm clock that sounds like a cat getting ready to vomit; NOTHING makes you jump out of bed faster!

  • couple oldI want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford; then I'll move in with them.

  • grandma grandkidsIf Mom says "No," ask Nana;

    if Nana says "No,"... who are we kidding?? Nana never says "No!"

  • keys and remoteThe only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me!

  • cat fishbowlCat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

  • woman deskA recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

  • dog4"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

    - Sue Murphy

  • dog scotty"When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you."

    - Nora Ephron

  • person shrugOne Liner Advice: Survival is important, but don't stake your life on it.

  • man office2Ninety percent of being married is just shouting "What?" from other rooms.

  • Nana never says NoIf Mom says "No," ask Nana; if Nana says "No"... who are we kidding? Nana never says "No!"

  • Dog One Liner"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."

    - Fran Lebowitz

  • "I've lost my mind" quote

    "I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure the kids took it."

    - unknown