Family One-liners

  • Freudian Slip

    woman angry"A Freudian Slip: when you say one thing but mean a mother."

  • Oneliner #0980

    bedEarly mornings are great for spending time with the family: then they spoil it by waking up.

  • Oneliner #0984

    rootsI sent that "Ancestry" site some information on my family tree and they sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

  • Oneliner #1000

    idiot"Please pray for my wife; she married an idiot."


  • Oneliner #1039

    couple argueI am not contradicting you!

  • Oneliner #1049

    mother and daughterThe best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.  

  • Oneliner #1053

    child2Children seldom misquote you; in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

  • Oneliner #1057

    poolThe problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

  • Oneliner #1067

    tentCamping is nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

  • Oneliner #1068

    surprisedI would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.

  • Oneliner #1075

    phone helpCaller ID should be more detailed: "Wants Help Moving," "Going to Whine," "Will Ask to Borrow Money."

  • Oneliner #1083

    woman2You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.

  • Oneliner #1084

    dogs"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."

    - Nora Ephron

  • Oneliner #1086

    giftChildren will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.

  • Oneliner #1096

    sleeping at work 2When your toddlers are teenagers, don't forget to wake them up at 4:45am to tell them your socks came off.

  • Oneliner #1102

    woman3If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

  • Oneliner #1109

    childChildren are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.

  • Oneliner #1110

    baby cryingAnyone who says, "Easy as taking candy from a baby!" has never tried.

  • Oneliner #1121

    compassI am always going the extra mile: because I never stop for directions.

  • Oneliner #1134

    credit cardAs a young child my mother told me I can be anyone I want to be... turns out this is called identity theft.

  • Oneliner #1143

    mealMy kids can't find their shoes when they need them, yet they can find that tiny bit of onion in their dinner.

  • Oneliner #1152

    cat restingThey should make an alarm clock that sounds like a cat getting ready to vomit; NOTHING makes you jump out of bed faster!

  • Oneliner #1154

    couple oldI want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford; then I'll move in with them.

  • Oneliner #1166

    grandma grandkidsIf Mom says "No," ask Nana;

    if Nana says "No,"... who are we kidding?? Nana never says "No!"

  • Oneliner #1173

    keys and remoteThe only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me!

  • Oneliner #1177

    cat fishbowlCat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

  • Oneliner #1187

    woman deskA recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

  • Oneliner #1194

    dog4"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

    - Sue Murphy

  • Oneliner #1197

    dog scotty"When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you."

    - Nora Ephron

  • Oneliner #1205

    person shrugOne Liner Advice: Survival is important, but don't stake your life on it.

  • Oneliner #1212

    man office2Ninety percent of being married is just shouting "What?" from other rooms.

  • Oneliner #1226

    Nana never says NoIf Mom says "No," ask Nana; if Nana says "No"... who are we kidding? Nana never says "No!"

  • Oneliner #1232

    Naughty childrenThe hardest part of parenting is realizing that it is your circus and those definitely are your monkeys.

  • Oneliner #1237

    Dog One Liner"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."

    - Fran Lebowitz