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Husband Jokes

  • 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask Men

    couple argue1.  What are you thinking about?
    2.  Do you love me?
    3.  Do I look fat?
    4.  Do you think she is prettier than me?
    5.  What would you do if I died?

    What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly.  Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

    Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

  • Blessed Again

    casseroleA young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty new bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers.

    "I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."

  • Cheap Gas

    gas pumpWhen the car engine developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought special non-leaded or regular gas, but she couldn't remember.

    "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the roughness of the engine."

    "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

    "Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband probingly.

    "It cost the same as always." said the wife.

    "I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth."

  • Checking Out

    power workersI was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.

    Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

    "Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."

  • Choosing a Husband

    wedding cakeA store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors, and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

    On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

  • Dress Theft

    dress"You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.

    "Yes," answered the suspect.

    "And what did you steal?"

    "A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.

    "One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"

    "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But my wife didn't like the color."

  • End Nail Biting

    woman oldTwo elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

    "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That habit really bothers me!" the first one said.

    "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented, "but I broke him of that habit real quick."

    "What did you do?"

    "I hid his teeth!"

  • Fed Up Husband

    combA husband and wife had been married only a few short years, and he was getting fed up with being bossed around by his wife; so he went to see a psychiatrist.

    The psychiatrist told the husband that he needed to build his self-esteem, and gave him a booklet on assertiveness to read.

    By the time he reached home, he had finished reading the booklet. He stormed into the house and walked up to his wife, pointed a finger in her face and said,

  • Fiery Love

    kitchen newJolene had wanted new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.

    She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed in her kitchen.

    A few days later, a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added,

    "We were all so glad that the fire was confined to the kitchen."

  • Finally

    thiefA man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

    The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out.

    This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house.

  • Financing Surgery

    Doctor helps wife with husband's snoringA woman had a medical problem - her husband's snoring.

    So, she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

    He answered, "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

    "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

    "Hmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

  • Fishing Trip

    fishing1"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

    "Oh, everything went wrong: first he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

    "All that might have been all right; but, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"

  • Flamingo Act

    flamingoWhen my wife wanted me to stop acting like a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

  • From the Beginning

    Wedding Day TruthsMy Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

    He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

    Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

  • Frozen Frustration

    freezer copyJane had a system for labelling home-made freezer meals.

    She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

    Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.

  • Geraniums

    A man walked into a flower shop and after looking around for several minutes, asked the clerk if there were any potted geraniums he could buy.flower geranium

    "I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop,

    "We don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

    Replied the customer sadly,

    "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

  • Guard Dog Karate

    dog scottyA young couple lived in a town filled with crime.

    After three neighbors had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

    Visiting the pet store, the young wife asked for a good guard dog.

    "Sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk replied. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he does know karate!"

    The woman didn't believe the clerk, so he told the dog to karate a chair. The dog broke the chair into pieces. Then he told the dog to karate a table, and the dog quickly broke the table in half. So the woman bought the dog and took it home.

  • Hearing Test

    kitchen oldA man goes to his doctor and says "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

    The doctor replies: "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

    The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says "What's for dinner, Honey?" No response.

    He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. No response.

    Five feet, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

    She turns and in exasperation says, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

  • Hiccups Cure

    Hiccup JokeA man entered a drug store and asked to see the pharmacist.

    When the pharmacist came out, the man asked if he could give him a cure for the hiccups.

    The pharmacist immediately reached out and slapped him across the face.

    "What'd you do that for?" the man asked.

    "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

    "No," the man replied, "but I'd bet that my wife out in the car still does!"

  • Hurry Home

    preacher2It has to be confessed that the minister was rather long-winded.

    During his sermon a young wife of the congregation remembered that she had left the Sunday dinner in the gas range without regulating the flame.

    She hastily wrote a note and slipped it to her husband, who was an usher.

    He, thinking it was for the minister, calmly walked up and laid it on the pulpit.

  • Husband Shopping Center

    mallRecently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out with five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

    A couple of girlfriends went to the place to find men. On the first floor the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

    The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" so up they went.

    The second floor said, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking."

  • Invitation

    book mysteryMrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.

    Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

    "Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

    "Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk."

  • Last Minute Turkey

    Last Minute TurkeyIt's the day before Thanksgiving and the butcher is just locking up when a man pounds on the door.  "Please let me in," says the man, "I forgot to buy a turkey and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."

    "OK" says the butcher.  "Let me see what's left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left.  He brings it out to show the man.

    "That one's too skinny.  What else have you got"?  says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes then brings the same turkey back out to the man.

    "Oh no," says the man, "that one doesn't look any better.  You better give me both of them."

  • Laundry Husband

    washing machineOne day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

    Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

    "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

    He yelled back, "Just do it!!"

  • Listening In

    pay phoneA long time ago, before the days of cell phones, I needed to call home, and the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.

    Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word.

  • Lock Jaw

    veterinarianIn one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's veterinarian.

    One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

    An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

    "He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.

    "Both!" was the reply.

    "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

  • Long Marriage

    A joke about the secret of a long marriageTwo men were talking about the secret of a long a happy marriage.

    "Our marriage"  said one "is built on trust and understanding."

    "My wife doesn't trust me and I don't understand her."

  • Marriage Teamwork

    police pull overA Police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The Officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph. sir."

    The driver says, "But officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

    The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

  • Matching Shoes

    bald man1John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding.

    They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.

    Nancy replied, "Silver."

    At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep silver...to match her hair."

    Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So, John, I guess you are going barefoot."

  • Mike's Girlfriend

    phone2After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.

    "Is Mike there?" I asked confused.

    "Umm, he's in the shower," she responded.

    "Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.

    When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.

    "You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

    "I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

  • Missing You

    Dog Waits for OwnerDave went on a business trip for a few days.

    When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him.

    "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.

    "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

    "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

  • Modern Tool Reality

    workshopHammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

    Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

  • Nail Biting

    elderly coupleTwo older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

    "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said.

    "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

    "What did you do?"

    "I hid his teeth!"

  • Nervous Man

    prescriptionA very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor.

    After checking the chart, the doctor nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.

    The man asked, "How often do I take these?"

    "Let's start off with one every six hours. But they're not for you," replied the doctor. 

    "They're for your wife."

  • Newlywed Grace

    wedding ringsA recently married man was walking with his father one day and said:

    "My new wife's cooking is so bad, we pray AFTER we eat!"

  • Oily Hair

    olive oilTrying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it.

    Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.

    That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

    "No," he said, sniffing me.

    "Do I smell like Popeye?"

  • Old Friends

    couple oldAmy and Judy are old friends.

    They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

    "As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.

    "I'm so sorry for you. As I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day," replies Judy.

    "Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

  • Oneliner #1031

    couple3My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things; but I laugh more.

  • Oneliner #1164

    couple4The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological; one is Psycho and the other is Logical - and whatever you do, don't try to figure out Who is Who.

  • Oneliner #1187

    woman deskA recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

  • Poor Widow

    moneyA woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name.

    After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left.

    The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"

  • Rounded Boulders

    tv oldMillions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel; the only way to move things was by carrying or dragging.  One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING.

    Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch!

    This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.

  • Shoebox Doilies

    A funny joke about marriageAs a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a wooden box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

    For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

    Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

    "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

    Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

    "Where did the $82,500 come from?" he asked.

    "Oh, that's the money I made selling all the doilies."

  • Shopping Vengence

    remote control wedding rings"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. 

    As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television in her purse.

    "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

    "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

  • Signs Your Garage Needs to be Cleaned

    garage- It just entered itself in the heavyweight division on BattleBots.

    - I don't care what mortgage company you use, they're not going to ask for paycheck stubs from anything earlier than the Eisenhower administration.

    - Environmentalists picket in your driveway to save the old-growth cobwebs.

    - You have 12 leaf rakes with a total of 19 tines.

  • Sinner

    preacher1The preacher spent his whole sermon relating the evils of sin and how all men are sinners with no exceptions.

    At the end of the sermon he asked rhetorically, "Now does anyone here think they are without sin?"

    He had only to wait a few seconds before a man in one of the back pews stood up.

    The pastor asked the man who had the audacity to stand after such a fiery sermon, "Sir, do you really think you are completely without sin?"

    The man quickly answered, "No sir, I'm not standing up for myself, but for my wife's first husband."

  • Suck It In

    weight scale 2I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

    Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon."

    "Sure it does," he said.

    "How else can I see the numbers?"

  • Surprise Gift

    perfume giftThe man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.

    "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

    "You bet," answered the customer.

    "She's expecting a cruise."

  • Ten Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House

    How to be handy around the house - in 10 easy steps.1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

    2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

    3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

    4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

  • Tie Conspiracy

    tieAt a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.

    Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.