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Husband Illustrations

  • Choosing a Husband

    wedding cakeA store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors, and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

    On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

  • Communication in Marriage

    restaurant mealMy husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"

    We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

  • Frozen Frustration

    freezer copyJane had a system for labelling home-made freezer meals.

    She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

    Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.

  • Knowing Your Spouse

    roadOne of the funniest memories I have of the trials and tribulations of making the journey from childhood to adulthood was our annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.

    Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail, "Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on." And almost every year we would turn around and go back. But as I recall, not once was it was ever plugged in. She often had the same fear that all our earthly possessions would disappear in a fire caused by her forgetfulness.

    When I was about 14 years old, we were headed out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and, sure enough, Mom gasped, "I just know I left the iron on."

    My father didn't say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.

  • Plumb Historical

    history sign old roadI recently overheard a boss talking to one of his employees at a restaurant recently.

    "Was your wife mad when you got home so late last night?" the boss asked.

    "Yes, she was plumb historical," the employee replied.

    "Don't you mean hysterical?"

    "No, I mean historical. She brought up things that happened forty years ago."

  • Quality of Life

    man restingMy wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

    She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!

  • Reconciliation, Divorce, Remarriage

    newspaper1After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

    Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."

  • Telling the Truth

    back-packing womanAfter eight days of backpacking with my wife Linda, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

    "Terry," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"

    I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

  • Worst Memory

    wife's memory jokeTwo men were talking. The first says, "My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of."

    The second man replies, "Forgets everything, eh?"

    "Nope. She remembers everything."