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Prison Jokes

  • Last Requests

    jail breakTwo men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their Maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

    The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

    The man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"

    "Certainly," replied the warden.

    He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

    "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

  • Motherly Pride

    senior women 2Two mothers were talking about their sons.

    The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

    The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only has he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

    "My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

    "I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

  • Oneliner #1178

    prisonerOften when one door closes and another door opens... you're in prison.

  • Prison vs. Work

    prisonIN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
    AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

    IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
    AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

    IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
    AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

    IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

  • Release Plea

    bread slicedThe Governor was in the habit of scheduling part of his day to hear the pleas of relatives of prisoners. One day, a woman came to beg that her husband be released from prison. "What was he convicted of?" the Governor asked.

    "Stealing a loaf of bread."

    "And is he a good husband to you?"

    "Not really," the woman replied. "He's lazy, bullies the kids, runs around with other woman, and he's not much use for anything else."

    "Then why would you want him released?" the Governor asked.

    "We're out of bread again."