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Driving Jokes

  • car old1. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

    2. Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

    3. You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

    4. 15-Minute Jiffy Lube lasts for only 3 days.

  • bridge in dcIn Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions.

    Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem.

    The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.

  • parking lot2A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed the bumper of the parked car in front of him.

    Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit.

    The note read:

    "Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver's license number, but I am not."

  • A funny clean joke about a dog and a truck and a parking lot.As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian.

    She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention.

    She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

    I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right.

    "I'm fine," she assured me,"but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."

  • Tourist asks cabbie if Israel is really a healthy country.Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Israel.

    In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"

    "It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."

    "That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"

    "I was born here."

  • cat lying downA man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

    The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

    He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

    Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen, is the cat there?"

    "Yes, why do you ask?” answered the wife.

    Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone. I am lost and I need directions."

  • police pull overA Police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The Officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph. sir."

    The driver says, "But officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

    The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

  • bald2What do they put for 'hair color'  on the driver's licenses of bald men?

  • car w driver2You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

  • car w driver2The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car: "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you!"

  • car w driver2As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

    One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

    When the first student had completed her time, I asked her to change places with one of the others.

    Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, she asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?"

  • police pull overA lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

    After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

    "Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

    "Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

  • tail light2"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman.

    The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan.

    His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

    "Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

    "It isn't?" cried the motorist.

    "What happened to my boat and trailer?"

  • chicken kentucky fried storeOne day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago.

    When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

    The trooper pursued him, pulled him over and walking up to the car he pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.

    The driver looked at the trooper and said, "No thanks, I just bought some."