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Bible Jokes

  • Bible Reading Page Turner

    bible openEnding his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.

    A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.

    The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."

    He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."

  • Biblical Spokespersons

    bible personWhat if Biblical characters could be recruited as high-tech promoters?

    Consider the following tech advocates and their ad slogans:

    Noah for Match.com: We can find a mate for anything. Why not you?

    Moses for the Excedrin Headache Resource Center (Excedrin.com):
    Take two tablets and call me in the morning.

    The dove for UPS.com: Guaranteed delivery in 40 days and 40 nights.

  • Karmel Recipe

    elijahThe Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.

    She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

    And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

    "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

    A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

    Image credit: www.coolskies.net/holyland 

  • Kids on the Bible

    Children's thoughts on the BibleThe statements below are said to have been written by actual students, that they are genuine and NOT retouched or corrected:

    - Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

    - The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount cyanide to get the ten amendments.

    - The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

    - The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

  • Victory, Faith in God

    desertAn archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a sarcophagus containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

    "I've just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

  • WWJ Drive

    What Would Jesus Drive?Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

    One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."  But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo.  The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

    Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it.
    As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

    Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."  Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler, "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

    And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda, "The Apostles were in one Accord."