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Christmas Jokes

  • 'Twas The Day After Christmas

    Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
    Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.

    The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
    Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

    Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
    Upstairs the family continued to snore.

    And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
    Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

    When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
    I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

    Away to the window I flew like a flash,
    Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

    When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
    But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

    The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
    The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

    With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
    Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

    Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
    Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

    "Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penney's and Sears
    Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's--all here!!

    To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
    Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"

    He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
    He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

    He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
    Driving much faster with just half a load.

    Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
    "ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"

    Author Unknown
  • 'Twas the month after Christmas

    'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
    Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
    The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
    At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

    When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
    When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
    I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
    The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
    The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
    And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

    As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
    And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
    I said to myself as I only can,
    "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

    So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
    Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
    Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
    Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

    I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
    I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
    I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
    I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

    I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
    But isn't that what January is for?
    Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
    Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
  • A Dieter's Christmas

    "A Dieter's Christmas"

    'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips

    Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.

    Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care

    In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

    While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps

    Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.

    When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter

    I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter

    Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash

    Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash

    The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow

    Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

    When what to my wandering eyes should appear:

    A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!

    That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick

    I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

    The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer

    I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;

    On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS

    A Weight Watcher dropout form sugar detox.

    From the top of the scales to the top of the hall

    Now dash away pounds now dash away all.

    Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress

    My clothes were all bulging from too much excess

    My droll little mouth and my round little belly

    They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly

    I spoke not a word but went straight to my work

    Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

    And laying a finger beside my heartburn

    I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned

    I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry

    If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

    And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night

    In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!

  • A Movie on Cwismus

    Mobberly Baptist church asked kids to tell us the Christmas story. This is their video: "A Movie on Cwismus."

  • Cambodian Christmas

    Ok, the London Christmas was tweaked by an Aussie in England. Now here is "Cambodian Christmas" by a new

    Zealander in Cambodia. Is nobody home for the holidays this year? Thanks to Janice Reid for this, the final "'Twas the night before Christmas" version this year.

    *Cambodian Christmas*

    Twas the night before Christmas,

    Right here in Phnom Penh

    And the beasties were snoring

    Tucked up in their dens

    The missos were wrapping

    Up presents galore

    And sharing Yuletide stories

    And other folklore

    Their mammies and daddies

    Were here for the hols,

    Right over from Stateside

    With presents and dolls

    Or Aussie, or England

    They came from everywhere

    To look for Saint Nick...

    If he knew his way here

    The stockings were hung

    On the aircons with care

    And the ants went and found them

    And built nests in there

    Then suddenly, suddenly

    Through the dark night

    The dogs started howling

    And yelping with fright

    Then down the old roadway

    The potholes they missed

    Those carabao plodding

    So laden with gifts

    The driver was laughing

    And honking and such

    As he pulled up outside

    And gave the bell a touch

    We piled out the door

    And opened the gate

    And there was the stranger

    A tall four-foot-eight

    And then he smiled greatly

    And gave a nice "wai"

    And said, "I am Santa.

    Chum reap soar! Hi!"

    His face it was shiny

    All covered with sweat

    But his t-shirt was brighter

    Than house-paint all red

    He climbed from his ox-cart

    And came in the house

    And scared, as he did so,

    A rat and a mouse

    A smile he did give us

    And some of those gifts

    And we gave him back

    Fried bananas and grits

    Now Santa, he said

    "I have much to do here

    To teach all these Khmer

    No effort to spare

    To celebrate Christmas

    To remember the Son

    Who is really The Gift

    from the Three in the One

    Then off he did go

    That Santa so merry

    To call through the darkness

    His message so cheery

    And his carabao snorted

    As they plodded away

    With the leader's nose shining

    Turning night into day

    And Santa did call

    As he rounded the bend

    "Merry Christmas to all,

    And a life without end!"

    Translation:

    Phnom Penh: capital city of Cambodia

    Beasties: animals (a Down Under term!)

    Missos: missionaries

    Carabao: water-buffalo

    Wai: a polite way of greeting (equivalent to a handshake) by holding hands together in prayer position in front of your face. Done with a small bow for added politeness

    Chum reap soar: Cambodian greeting, "Hello."

    Fried bananas: common snack, very tasty!

    Khmer: Cambodians

  • Chicken Recipe

    chicken cookedBaked Stuffed Chicken

    6-7 lb. chicken
    1 cup melted butter
    1 cup stuffing
    1 cup uncooked popcorn
    salt/pepper to taste

    Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

  • Chocolate Night Before Christmas

    The Chocolate Night Before ChristmasThe Chocolate Night Before Christmas

    'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
    Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
    Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
    In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

    While Mama in her girdle and I in chinstraps
    Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
    When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
    I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

  • Christmas Assault

    carolersAggressive Carolers: Wassailants

  • Christmas At Martha's

    Dear Friend

    This perfectly delightful note is being sent in paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to.  Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun.  I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peach and mauve's.  Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.

    By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests.  I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

    Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays.  So, I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.  Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast.  These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any neighborhood Hungarian craft store.

    Well, I must run.  I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast.  I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.  Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long.  I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon.  It's a good thing.

    Your Friend, Martha Stewart

    P.S.  When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze.  I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked and crushed last week just for fun.
  • Christmas Baking

    kneading doughThis past weekend, I was doing some baking for the holidays. It was getting late and I was tired. So, I decided to leave the cleanup mess until the next morning.

    The next morning, I was getting my coffee and I noticed thousands of little tiny footprints in the flour on the countertop.

    Needless to say, I wasted no time calling the FBI.

    They confirmed that I did, in fact, have AntTracks. Yikes!

  • Christmas Bike Letters

    It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mom if he could have a new bike.  So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus.  But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus.  So his mom told him that would be fine.

    Sam went to his room and wrote ' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.' But he wasn't very happy when he read it over.  So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.' He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either.  He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.' He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.

    So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach.  After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden.  He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed.

    Then he wrote this letter.  'Dear Jesus, if you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'

  • Christmas Cake

    christmas cakeEvery Christmas, composer Giacomo Puccini would have a cake baked for each of his friends. One year, having quarreled with Arturo Toscanini just before Christmas, he tried to cancel the order for the conductor's cake. But it was too late the cake had already been dispatched.

    The following day, Toscanini received a telegram from Puccini: "Cake sent by mistake."

    He replied by return: "Cake eaten by mistake."

  • Christmas Card Blues

    christmas ballsI was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.

    Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. 

    They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.

    Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look. 

    Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror . . . wearing nothing but a camera!

  • Christmas Carols of Love Quartet

    Here's a quartet of boys singing way beyond their years.  Enjoy this performance of "Christmas Carols of Love."

  • Christmas Cookie Rules

    Christmas Cookie Rules...

    1.  If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

    2.  If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

    3.  If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend.  Because your friend's first cookie is calorie free, (rule #1) yours is also.  It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

    4.  Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move.  This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

    5.  Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

    6.  Cookies colored red or green have very few calories.  Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter.  Make more red ones!

    7.  Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

    8.  As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

    9.  Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories Rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate.  We all know how calories like to CLING!

    10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories.  It's a rule!


    So, go out and enjoy those Christmas Cookies - we only get them this time of year!
  • Christmas Dinner

    turkeyI don't think I'll attend this years Christmas dinner.

    My wife gave me a haircut this morning.

    And now she said she's going to make Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.

  • Christmas Downsizing

    IMMEDIATE DOWNSIZING MEASURES EMPLOYED

    candycanesThe recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

    Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of this season's gift distribution business.  Home shopping channels, the Internet, and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share.  He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

  • Christmas Eve

    Christmas Eve ---

    by Ruth Sockett

    I have not wrapped a present and the paper's disappeared.

    The children are hysterical, they just found Santa's beard -

    The baby ate a Christmas ball, there's eggnog in my tea

    Daddy's chasing mistletoe, he swings from tree to tree.

    Susan's changed her mind about the doll that walks and talks -

    Now she wants a simple thing, a real live horse that talks.

    I just got back my Christmas cards that gave me writer's cramps

    I didn't forget a single soul, I just forgot the stamps.

    So, Santa, when you do get here and find beneath the tree,

    A poor lost soul without a mind, be nice, for it is me!!

  • Christmas Explained

    A Christmas Nativity SetThe other night, three-year-old Billy was showing the Terracotta nativity scene in his living room to his stuffed dragon.

    "This is an activity scene," he said to the dragon.

    "It's when they put breakable things out to watch the Baby Jesus sleep."

  • Christmas Goober Alternatives

    ornamentsIf you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
    http://www.cybersalt.org/pastor-tim-s-cleanlaugh-site/what-is-a-goober

    *Seasonal Ways of Calling Someone A Goober*

    - A couple of slates short of a full roof.

    - A few pies short of a holiday.

    - A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.

    - All wax and no wick.

    - Batteries not included.

    - Bright as Alaska in December.

    - Chimney's clogged.

    - Got his brains as a stocking filler.

    - Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

    - Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.

    - A few presents short of a full sleigh.

  • Christmas Greetings

    Dear list members,

    First of all I apologize for the multiple copies of this that those of you on more than one of my lists will receive.

    Where I am, the calendar has just changed to December 24th.  That means it is already Christmas Day for some of you.

    I would just like to express to you my desire that you all have a blessed Christmas.

    I am all too aware that for some of you this time of the year is not all that you dream it could be or remember that it was.  While some of you may be surrounded by loved ones at this time of the year, others of you are separated by distance or division from those that should be close to you.  Some of you are enjoying good health, others of you are suffering poor health, and still others are labouring to care for sick loved ones.  This e-mail will be downloaded into both rich homes and poor homes, owned houses and rented rooms, happy places of work and excruciating places of toil, prisons and schools.

    Although we can always wish, Christmastime never blots out all of the things we would like to forget for a while in life.  However, I want to remind us all that the true hope of Christmas is not that we can find rest from life for a few days.  The true hope of Christmas is that someone came to save us from life at the end of our days.  God came in human form so that we could have his help in this life and be with Him for eternity in the next life.
    Of course it took more than being born to accomplish all this - He died on the cross for our sins and was raised to life again after three days so we could be alive to God as well.

    Good News!  God isn't mad at us.  Otherwise, why would He send His son to die for us?  That's worth looking into and remembering because for all who will, regardless of their circumstances, a blessed Christmas awaits.

    God bless you all!

    Pastor Tim

  • Christmas in Australia

    sydney-christmasThanks to list member Clarice M.H. who told me that "The Night Before Christmas in Texas, That Is" was written by Leon A. Harris - a student teacher she had. Clarice wrote, "Knowing my fondness for this poem, (he) gave me a book of it which I still have. Harris copyrighted the poem in 1952. My book is dated 1977." Thanks for letting us know Clarice.

    Then, list member Heather D. of Australia wrote,

    "Pastor Tim, as there are a lot of subscribers to your lists in Australia, I rewrote the "Texas Christmas" piece. I have not requested permission from the writer - I don't know how to contact him - but I am sending this to you any way." Heather has even supplied some definitions for us "up-over" types (I didn't even know I had a "ute"!)

    So thanks to Heather for her Australian adaption of Leon. A. Harris's "The Night Before Christmas in Texas, That Is"

    Twas the night before Christmas, In Australia you know,
    Way down on the beach, without any snow.

  • Christmas in Texas

    Texas Christmas Ornament

    Twas the night before Christmas, In Texas you know,
    Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
    Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
    A dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you.

    Not stockings but boots, at the foot of their beds,
    For this was Texas, What more need be said?
    When all of a sudden from out the still night,
    There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright!

  • Christmas Journey

    church crecheThe Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.

    After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny's had an odd element in it.

  • Christmas Nightgown

    christmas gift2Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its hot lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. 

    Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown. This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. 

    "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20 something behind me.

    "Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother for Christmas."

  • Christmas Notes

    Notes between Martha Stewart and Erma Bombeck

    Hello Erma, This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to.  Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun.  I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves.

    Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.  By then, it was time to start making the placemats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests.  I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand. 

    Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays.  So, I repainted the room in pinks and stencilled gold stars on the ceiling.  Then, while the home-made bread was rising, I took antique candle moulds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast.  These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store. 

    Well, I must run.  I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast.  I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.  Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long - - I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon.  It's a good thing.

    Love, Martha P.S.  When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze.  I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries, which I grew, picked and crushed last week just for fun.

    <*><*><*><*><*><*><*>

    Dear Martha,

    I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains.  I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out, again.  Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that?

    Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor .  .  .  trashed the tablecloth.  Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave.  Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles puke!  The smoke alarm is going off.

    Talk to ya later, Erma

     

  • Christmas Operation Order

    Operation Order 12-2004 For: Official Visit of LT jg Santa Clause

    army

    1. An official staff visit by LT jg Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.

    a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S- Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.

  • Christmas Postage

    stampsA Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

    "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.

    "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman.

    "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic.

  • Christmas Present

    Christmastime is a season when many people are more interested in the present than the past. 

  • Christmas Puns

    christmas drumSome of these are horrible. Enjoy!

    What do they call Santa's helpers?
    Subordinate Clauses

    What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
    Krisp Kringle

    Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys?
    Santa's little Elvis

    Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
    "Rude Olph"

  • Christmas Riches

    traditional christmas_cardRick, my husband, and I had a hectic holiday schedule encompassing careers, teenagers, shopping, and all the required doings of the season.

    Running out of time, I got the stationer to print our signature on our Christmas cards, instead of signing each one.

    Soon we started getting cards from friends signed "The Modest Morrisons," "The Clever Clarks," and "The Successful Smiths."

    Then it hit me.

    I had mailed out a hundred cards neatly imprinted with "Happy Holidays from the Rich Armstrongs."

  • Christmas Role

    96villager1Many years ago, I was casting kids at our church for the annual Christmas play. I gave the children choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.

    One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager."

    He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to them:

    "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"

  • Christmas Shopping

    judge's gavelIt was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

    "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

    "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

    "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

  • Christmas Sign


    traditional christmas_cardA church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.  

    The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.  

    The sign came back a few days later... "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide."

  • Christmas Signs

    Christmas Signs:

    - From a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

    - In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

    - Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

    - From a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

    - In a Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras: $70,000. Three for $200,000.

    - A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

    - In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything: A calendar to remind him when payments are due."

  • Christmas Treats

    'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
    Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
    The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
    At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
    When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
    When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
    I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
    The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
    The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
    And the way I'd not said, "No thank you, please."
    As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
    And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
    I said to myself, as I only can
    "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
    So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
    Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
    Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
    "Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
    I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
    I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
    I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
    I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
    I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
    But isn't that what January is for?
    Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
    Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
  • Christmas Tree Hunt

    If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:

    http://www.cybersalt.org/pastor-tim-s-cleanlaugh-site/what-is-a-goober

    Two goobers went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

    After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said,

    "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

  • Christmas Tree Search

    Christmas Tree SearchThere were two goobers who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.

    After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said,

    "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

     


    If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one here.

  • Christmas Turkey

    THE TURKEY SHOT OUT OF THE OVEN

    Picture of a Christmas Turkey

    The turkey shot out of the oven
    and rocketed into the air;
    It knocked every plate off the table
    and partly demolished a chair.

    It ricocheted into a corner
    and burst with a deafening boom,
    Then splattered all over the kitchen,
    completely obscuring the room.

  • Christmas Vote Tally

    checkboxHo Ho Ho

    Hello out there, all people of the world.  This is Santa and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas may be a little late this year.  See, after checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found some problems with the results.

    The first result showed: 428,534,120 Good 428,523,119 Bad.  The second result showed: 428,534,118 Good 428,523,121 Bad.

  • Christmastime

    santa wink"Christmas is a time when lots of people get Santa-mental."

  • Christmastime Separation

    men model plane“Christmas: That time of year when mother has to separate the men from the toys.”

    - Lee Daniel Quinn

  • Coast Guard Christmas

    *Coast Guard Christmas*

    Twas the night before Christmas and all through each state,

    Coast Guard families were starting to celebrate.

    Just then from the white House came an urgent call,

    A crisis had arisen that would affect one and all.

    In fact the U.S. State Department was frantic,

    For Santa Claus had just landed in the Atlantic!

    It Was foggy as ever; Rudolph had made a blunder.

    Santa, sleigh, and eight reindeer were going under.

    Though the stockings were hung by the chimneys with care.

    Poor Santa gurgled, "I'll never get there."

    When what to his wondering eye should appear;

    But some coast guard cutters with their rescue gear!

    The officers and crew were so lively and quick;

    Sure was a lucky break for good ole Saint Nick.

    With a nod from the captain. they went right to work.

    Rudolph was embarrassed, he felt like a jerk.

    Poor Santa was soggy, but as anyone could see,

    He was very grateful to the U.S.C.G!

    And we heard him exclaim as they towed him from sight,

    "If it weren't for age and weight, I'd enlist Tonight!"

  • Dog's Rules For Christmas

    christmas dogsDog's Rules For Christmas

    1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog cuddles.

    2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

    3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

    4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: Don't pee on the tree... Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree... Mind your tail when you are near the tree... If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open... And Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

    5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and cleans. Don't eat off the buffet table. Beg for goodies subtly. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your spot on the sofa -- they don't know any better. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach unless you can get away with it...

    6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house. Be nice to the kiddies. Turn on your charm big time.

    7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!!!

  • Fractured Christmas Carols

    christmas boyNo one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.  Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

    * Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
    * We three kings of porridge and tar
    * On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
    * Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
    * He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
    * Noel, noel, noel, noel; Barney's the king of Israel.
    * With the jelly toast proclaim
    * Olive, the other reindeer.
    * Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
    * Sleep in heavenly peas
    * In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
    * You'll go down in listerine
    * Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
    * Come, froggy faithful
    * You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
    * Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

  • Have Yourself a Microsoft Christmas

    'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, as Papa did last-minute Internet shopping. The stockings were hung by the modem with care in hopes that St. Nicholas would bring new software.

    The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of computer games danced in their heads. PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan, and Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom, to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. - Which has now been re-routed to Washington State because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.

    All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle to flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.  After centuries of a life that was simple and spare, St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire, with a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh, and a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way from where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens in black Gucci boots and red Calvin jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, here they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

    No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS with the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, from now on Christmas runs only on Win95. More rapid than eagles the competitors came, Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through, it is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, it's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, and on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

    Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme, and a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!" And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap, had just settled down for a long winter's nap, when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, the whir and the hum of our satellite platter, as it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, the SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.

    As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, my computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound. And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright,

    "A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"

  • Home For Christmas

    picture of a winter stormA woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center.  Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.

    By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

    When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

    "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

  • Hoofing Santa

    Last year at Christmas time, I dressed up in my Santa suit and after greeting my children, my wife asked the kids if they wanted to take Santa to a relative's house.

    They said yes.

    So I got in the minivan and went to the relative's house. While at their house, my son started misbehaving, so I said in the most bass voice I could muster.

    "Son, you better behave or Santa won't bring you any presents."

    My innocent 5 year old son turned to my wife and said,"Mommy Santa's walking home."


    Copyright 2000, William Schmidt, Used With Permission

  • Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

    A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on her mobile phone.

    The wife said, " Where are you? You know we have lots to do."

    He said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

    Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

    "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

    "Well, I am in the gun shop next door to that."

  • I Know About Santa

    I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."

    Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"

    He replied, "They're all nocturnal."