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Christmas Humor

  • 1 Corinthians 13 for Christmas

    loveIf I speak in the tongues of Christmas materialism and greed but have not love, I am only a tinny Christmas song or an out of tune choir.

    If I have the gift of knowing what Aunt Agatha will give me this year and can even understand last year's present, and if I have the faith that I won't get yet more socks and ties this year but have not love, I am nothing.

    If I clear out the house and give everything to charity and my credit cards are snapped in half but have not love, what can I possibly gain?

  • A Movie on Cwismus

    Mobberly Baptist church asked kids to tell us the Christmas story. This is their video: "A Movie on Cwismus."

  • Chocolate Night Before Christmas

    The Chocolate Night Before ChristmasThe Chocolate Night Before Christmas

    'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
    Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
    Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
    In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

    While Mama in her girdle and I in chinstraps
    Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
    When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
    I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

  • Christmas Assault

    carolersAggressive Carolers: Wassailants

  • Christmas Carols of Love Quartet

    Here's a quartet of boys singing way beyond their years.  Enjoy this performance of "Christmas Carols of Love."

  • Christmas Riches

    traditional christmas_cardRick, my husband, and I had a hectic holiday schedule encompassing careers, teenagers, shopping, and all the required doings of the season.

    Running out of time, I got the stationer to print our signature on our Christmas cards, instead of signing each one.

    Soon we started getting cards from friends signed "The Modest Morrisons," "The Clever Clarks," and "The Successful Smiths."

    Then it hit me.

    I had mailed out a hundred cards neatly imprinted with "Happy Holidays from the Rich Armstrongs."

  • Family, Holiday Visits

    bellsA minister well known for his beautiful singing voice came home visibly upset after consulting with a new widow about funeral plans for her recently deceased husband. His wife asked him what was wrong, and he revealed that the wife had asked him to sing her husband's favorite song, "Jingle Bells," at the funeral.

    He was troubled that it wasn't appropriate to the solemn occasion. He struggled and prayed about it, and finally decided to honor the grieving widow's wishes.

  • Fractured Christmas Carols

    christmas boyNo one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.  Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

    * Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
    * We three kings of porridge and tar
    * On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
    * Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
    * He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
    * Noel, noel, noel, noel; Barney's the king of Israel.
    * With the jelly toast proclaim
    * Olive, the other reindeer.
    * Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
    * Sleep in heavenly peas
    * In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
    * You'll go down in listerine
    * Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
    * Come, froggy faithful
    * You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
    * Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

  • Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

    A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on her mobile phone.

    The wife said, " Where are you? You know we have lots to do."

    He said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

    Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

    "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

    "Well, I am in the gun shop next door to that."

  • Oneliner #1150

    chocolateDid you know, chocolate makes your clothes shrink!?

  • Politically Correct Santa

    Politically correct Santa'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
    How to live in a world that's politically correct?
    His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
    "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

    And labor conditions at the North Pole
    Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
    Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
    Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

  • Practical Tricks to Play on Santa

    Santa list1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

    2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

    3. Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

    4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

  • Reasons Why My Children Do Not Need More Toys

    toys copyBy Tammy Rosenfeldt

    ~ They started off as babies who found my Tupperware drawer much more fascinating than their toy box.

    ~ The days I change the paper towel roll in the kitchen bring great excitement as they claim their new sword or telescope.

    ~ Their current toys are only exciting when I either reorganize them/put them neatly away or when I start my garage sale pile.

  • Republicans vs. Democrats at Christmas

    I, Pastor Tim, (neither Republican nor Democrat) warn you now that if you are either (or both) and cannot laugh at yourself, you should just delete this now.

    Christmas: Republicans vs. Democrats

    Image used with permission by DragonArtz Designs.

    Republicans vs. Democrats at Christmas

    Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"
    Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

    Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
    Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

    Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
    Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

  • The Day After Christmas

    fridge holiday'Twas the day after Christmas and all through the room

    Strewn wrappings were crying for use of a broom.

    The children were scattered the friends' gifts exploring

    Since now most of theirs were broken or boring.

    All tummies still stuffed from the fabulous feast;

    Leftovers would serve for one month at least.

  • The Top Seven things overhead on the Wise Men's Journey:

    desertThe Top Seven things overhead on the Wise Men's Journey to Bethlehem:

    7. Man, I'm starting to get a rush from this frankincense!

    6. You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like goat.

    5. You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.

    4. What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow? Phoenician?

    3. Hey, do you either of you know why "MYRRH" is spelled with a "Y" instead
    of a "U"?

    2. Okay, whose camel just spit?

    And the NUMBER ONE thing overheard on the Wise Men's journey to Bethlehem...

    1. All this staring at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy.

  • Top 10 Holiday Gift Things To Say

    giftTop 10 things to say about a holiday gift you don't like:

    10) Hey! There's a gift.

    9.) Well, well, well...

    8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.

    7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.

    6.) Wow, I hope this never catches fire!

    5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

    4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

    3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

    2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

    1.) I really don't deserve this.

  • Who Started Christmas?

    christmas shoppingA woman was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.

  • Yukon Christmas

    Yukon ChristmasThanks to list member Marcia Laycock (and her insomnia) for a creative variation of the classic poem.

    Twas the night before Christmas, in Yukon you know,
    Way up above 60 where Arctic winds blow.

    Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
    A dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you.

    Not stockings but mukluks, at the foot of their beds,
    For this was the Yukon, what more need be said?