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Christmas Humor

christmas ballsSome of the internet's best Christmas humor found in one place. If you are looking for jokes, puns, one-liners, quotes or illustrations this is a collection of the best.

  • 'Twas the night before finals,
    And all through the college,
    The students were praying
    For last minute knowledge.

    Most were quite sleepy,
    But none touched their beds,
    While visions of essays
    Danced in their heads.

    Out in the sports field,
    There were some throwing,
    In hope that some exercise
    Would get their brains going.

    In my own apartment,
    I had been pacing,
    Dreading all those exams
    I soon would be facing.

    My roommate was speechless,
    His nose in his books,
    And my comments to him
    Drew unfriendly looks.

    I drained all the coffee,
    And brewed a new pot,
    No longer caring
    That my nerves were shot.

    I stared at my notes,
    But my thoughts were all muddy,
    My eyes went a’ blur,
    I just couldn't study.

    "Some pizza might help,"
    I said with a shiver,
    But each place I called
    Refused to deliver.

    I'd pretty much concluded
    Life is unfair and cruel,
    Since our futures all depend
    On grades made in school.

    When all of a sudden,
    Our door opened wide,
    And Patron Saint Put-It-Off
    Ambled inside.

    Her spirit was careless,
    Her manner was mellow,
    She looked at the mess
    And started to bellow:

    "Why should us students
    Make such a fuss,
    About what those teachers
    Toss out to us?"

    "On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
    On Last Year's Exams!
    On Wingit and Slingit,
    And Last Minute Crams!"

    Her message delivered,
    She vanished from sight,
    But we heard her laughing
    Outside in the night.

    "Your teachers won't flunk you,
    So just do your best.
    Happy Finals to All,
    And to All, a good test."

  • loveIf I speak in the tongues of Christmas materialism and greed but have not love, I am only a tinny Christmas song or an out of tune choir.

    If I have the gift of knowing what Aunt Agatha will give me this year and can even understand last year's present, and if I have the faith that I won't get yet more socks and ties this year but have not love, I am nothing.

    If I clear out the house and give everything to charity and my credit cards are snapped in half but have not love, what can I possibly gain?

  • Mobberly Baptist church asked kids to tell us the Christmas story. This is their video: "A Movie on Cwismus."

  • Advent Virus*VIRUS ALERT: ADVENT VIRUS*

    Be on the alert for symptoms of inner HOPE, PEACE, JOY, AND LOVE. The hearts of a great many have already been exposed to this virus and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.

    Some signs and symptoms of THE ADVENT VIRUS:

    ~ A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.

    ~ An unmistakable ability to enjoy the moment.

  • car dashPlanning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping.

    As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could go for lunch that Friday.

  • The Chocolate Night Before ChristmasThe Chocolate Night Before Christmas

    'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
    Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
    Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
    In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

    While Mama in her girdle and I in chinstraps
    Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
    When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
    I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

  • carolersAggressive Carolers: Wassailants

  • Here's a quartet of boys singing way beyond their years.  Enjoy this performance of "Christmas Carols of Love."

  • traditional christmas_cardRick, my husband, and I had a hectic holiday schedule encompassing careers, teenagers, shopping, and all the required doings of the season.

    Running out of time, I got the stationer to print our signature on our Christmas cards, instead of signing each one.

    Soon we started getting cards from friends signed "The Modest Morrisons," "The Clever Clarks," and "The Successful Smiths."

    Then it hit me.

    I had mailed out a hundred cards neatly imprinted with "Happy Holidays from the Rich Armstrongs."

  • bellsA minister well known for his beautiful singing voice came home visibly upset after consulting with a new widow about funeral plans for her recently deceased husband. His wife asked him what was wrong, and he revealed that the wife had asked him to sing her husband's favorite song, "Jingle Bells," at the funeral.

    He was troubled that it wasn't appropriate to the solemn occasion. He struggled and prayed about it, and finally decided to honor the grieving widow's wishes.

  • christmas boyNo one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.  Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

    * Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
    * We three kings of porridge and tar
    * On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
    * Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
    * He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
    * Noel, noel, noel, noel; Barney's the king of Israel.
    * With the jelly toast proclaim
    * Olive, the other reindeer.
    * Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
    * Sleep in heavenly peas
    * In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
    * You'll go down in listerine
    * Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
    * Come, froggy faithful
    * You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
    * Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

  • child harmonica"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his Uncle Rodney, the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."

    "That's great," said his Uncle Rodney. "Do you know how to play it?"

    "Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said.

    "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

  • A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on her mobile phone.

    The wife said, " Where are you? You know we have lots to do."

    He said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

    Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

    "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

    "Well, I am in the gun shop next door to that."

  • creche 2015A few years ago, several churches in my town decided to celebrate the birth of Christ by putting on an interactive reenactment of Joseph and Mary's Journey to Bethlehem in one of our local parks.

    With three of my children, then ages 7, 5, and 3, I joined a small group of modern day visitors who were escorted through the park by costumed locals playing first century Jews. I knew my oldest two children were familiar with the story of Jesus' birth, but I wasn't sure how much Christopher, my three-year-old, understood. He has PDD-NOS, a form of autism, and his language skills were significantly delayed.

  • silent night'T'was the night before Christmas
    and all through the town
    Not a sign of Baby Jesus
    was anywhere to be found.

    The people were all busy
    with Christmas time chores
    Like decorating, and baking,
    and shopping in stores.

  • chocolateDid you know, chocolate makes your clothes shrink!?

  • Politically correct Santa'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
    How to live in a world that's politically correct?
    His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
    "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

    And labor conditions at the North Pole
    Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
    Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
    Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

  • Santa list1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

    2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

    3. Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

    4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

  • toys copyBy Tammy Rosenfeldt

    ~ They started off as babies who found my Tupperware drawer much more fascinating than their toy box.

    ~ The days I change the paper towel roll in the kitchen bring great excitement as they claim their new sword or telescope.

    ~ Their current toys are only exciting when I either reorganize them/put them neatly away or when I start my garage sale pile.

  • I, Pastor Tim, (neither Republican nor Democrat) warn you now that if you are either (or both) and cannot laugh at yourself, you should just delete this now.

    Christmas: Republicans vs. Democrats

    Image used with permission by DragonArtz Designs.

    Republicans vs. Democrats at Christmas

    Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"
    Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

    Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
    Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

    Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
    Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

  • Preaching PunHe sees you when you've been sleeping; he knows when you're awake. He keeps preaching either way.

  • santa winkThe Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.

    Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he said, "OK, you can ask for something but it has to be for someone other than yourself. What do you want for Christmas?"

    "Something for my mother," said the young lady.

    "Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "

    Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

  • christmasmangerA little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.

    As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began,

    "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"

  • fridge holiday'Twas the day after Christmas and all through the room

    Strewn wrappings were crying for use of a broom.

    The children were scattered the friends' gifts exploring

    Since now most of theirs were broken or boring.

    All tummies still stuffed from the fabulous feast;

    Leftovers would serve for one month at least.

  • man old3The 4 stages of man:

    He believes in Santa Claus.

    He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.

    He is Santa Claus.

    He looks like Santa Claus.

  • desertThe Top Seven things overhead on the Wise Men's Journey to Bethlehem:

    7. Man, I'm starting to get a rush from this frankincense!

    6. You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like goat.

    5. You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.

  • giftTop 10 things to say about a holiday gift you don't like:

    10) Hey! There's a gift.

    9.) Well, well, well...

    8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.

    7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.

  • computer2(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

    Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
    From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
    I'm happy -- although
    My boss let me go --
    Happily addicted to the Web.

    All night long, I sit clicking,
    Unaware time is ticking,
    There's beard on my cheek,
    Same clothes for a week,
    Happily addicted to the Web!

  • christmas shoppingA woman was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.

  • cats two1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

    2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.

    3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.

    4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

    5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

  • Yukon ChristmasThanks to list member Marcia Laycock (and her insomnia) for a creative variation of the classic poem.

    Twas the night before Christmas, in Yukon you know,
    Way up above 60 where Arctic winds blow.

    Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
    A dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you.

    Not stockings but mukluks, at the foot of their beds,
    For this was the Yukon, what more need be said?