I personally stay away from health foods. At my age, I need all the preservatives I can get.
- George Burns
What do they put for 'hair color' on the driver's licenses of bald men?
If I had known how successful I was going to be, I wouldn't have worked so hard when I was young!
"In dog years, I'm dead." - Unknown
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever; so far so good.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford; then I'll move in with them.
I was born to be wild, but only until around 9 pm or so.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it: when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Sometimes my age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
Another "World's Oldest Man" has died; this is beginning to look suspicious.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.
What doesn't kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor.
If I had a dollar for every time I've used algebra in my adult life, I'd have "n" dollars.
I hate when old people say tattoos are a waste of money; like, okay Marion, you have a cabinet of expensive plates people aren't allowed to use.