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Ageing One-liners

  • bald2What do they put for 'hair color'  on the driver's licenses of bald men?

  • Now I live direct deposit to direct deposit.I grew up living paycheck to paycheck; but through hard work, time and perseverance I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

  • I like to make lists and leave them at home.I like to make lists; I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and guess what's on them while I'm at the store. Anyone else like to do that too?

  • food cholesteralI personally stay away from health foods. At my age, I need all the preservatives I can get.

    - George Burns

  • old coupleIf I had known how successful I was going to be, I wouldn't have worked so hard when I was young!

  • dog sleeping"In dog years, I'm dead." - Unknown

  • vending machinesChange is inevitable except from vending machines.

  • motorcycleI drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

  • old man 4I intend to live forever; so far so good.

  • couple oldI want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford; then I'll move in with them.

  • Picture of Sigmund FreudI was born to be wild, but only until around 9 pm or so.

  • tv oldKids today don't know how easy they have it: when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

  • old ladies on swingSometimes my age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

  • man puzzledAnother "World's Oldest Man" has died; this is beginning to look suspicious.

  • dog7Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.

  • man grumpyWhat doesn't kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor.

  • mathIf I had a dollar for every time I've used algebra in my adult life, I'd have "n" dollars.

  • Tattoos versus china dinnerwareI hate when old people say tattoos are a waste of money; like, okay Marion, you have a cabinet of expensive plates people aren't allowed to use.

  • Another "World's Oldest Man" has died.Another World's Oldest Man has died; this is beginning to look suspicious.