You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time...

but you can never fool mom.

The hardest part of parenting is realizing that it is your circus and those definitely are your monkeys.

When I was young, if any of us kids got sick, my mother would bring out the chicken soup. Of course, that didn't' work for broken bones; for broken bones, she gave us boiled beef.

- George Burns

My daughter asked me what it's like to have kids, so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

What's it like having a toddler?

Imagine raising a heavily caffeinated chimpanzee who is allergic to sleep.

My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills.

George Burns has some of the best one-liners!

George: Gracie, did the nurse ever happen to drop you on your head when you were a baby?

Gracie: Oh no! We couldn't afford a nurse, my mother had to do it herself.

The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.  

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Children seldom misquote you; in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Camping is nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.

When your toddlers are teenagers, don't forget to wake them up at 4:45am to tell them your socks came off.

When I was little, I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me; looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Anyone who says, "Easy as taking candy from a baby!" has never tried.

My kids can't find their shoes when they need them, yet they can find that tiny bit of onion in their dinner.

If Mom says "No," ask Nana;

if Nana says "No,"... who are we kidding?? Nana never says "No!"

"There's a sleeping person; let's go ask it questions," say children everywhere!

If Mom says "No," ask Nana; if Nana says "No"... who are we kidding? Nana never says "No!"

That SpongeBob: so self-absorbed.