"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda shoppe. Ice-cream sundaes in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again.

I asked her why she would say that, and she said, "Because I'm your father."

I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.

My dad would swear then say, "Excuse my French!" 

One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy.

"When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone, computer, every computer game and CD player in his room!"

"So how do you handle it?" his friend asked.

"I send him to MY room!"

A story is told of an unemployed man who is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."